Posts (page 3)

ugh, i hate letting my guard down. i hate acting fake. why dont you just suck my fucking dick huh? i have a lot of anger and resentment inside of me, but why should people know that? its okay, i'll just tell myself its fine. everything will be okay. sighh, i just need to breathe and let all the bad energy out; scratch that. i'm gonna stay my emo self. i have all these vulnerable moments and i am such a sensitive person, but people have no idea, no idea at all. i'm suffering, cant you see? everyone has a different view of me, everyone sees me in a different way. i want to be just one person, not ten. i let people take advantage of me and push me around because i am a big pushover. well fuck the world. i dont give a shit anymore. who fucking cares? go ahead, take me for granted because all i am is a doll that gets passed around. i have so much to offer, but nobody appreciates it. is this what my life is purposed for? to please others, but not myself? i think so. thats how things have been ever since i can even remember. it's quite sad and pathetic, i feel bad for myself. let me just hide myself and see how people react. psh, they wouldnt give a rats ass, but they'd take advantage of me when i do show myself. if only i could drown myself and cry underwater. yeah, it sounds kinda stupid, but if i could drown myself and cry underwater, nobody could tell the difference. i'd be underwater anyways haha. please, just sit by my side and never leave me. i'm possessive and i dont like sharing my friends. they're my friends, not yours. they care about me, not you. fuck. i should stop being so selfish, even though some say i am selfless. in a way, i am quite selfless because i try not to affect others with my feelings. david nguyen says that i am sad and he feels bad for me. should i take that into consideration? many say the exact same, but its how i feel. how can i change that to benefit me? who knows. i'm trapped. caged. imprisoned. i'm in some type of repeating cycle of horror and pain and tears. i'm so used to it that i cant smile a real smile anymore. sure, some moments i am laughing and smiling the day away because some things are just comical, but as soon as that's over, i'm back to holding back my tears and dreaming nightmares. someone, please, stay here with me for a while and live in denial of all reality. we will dance the night away and stare at the stars and laugh in unstoppable joy. whoo, i'm just so lame haha. sometimes i feel as stupid as others make me out to be. i'm stupid and i am gullible and i fall for things easily. i get my hopes up, then crushed, then up again, and crushed for good. i'm prone to disappointment. it comes along and affects me like candy to a baby. ugh, absurd. i get so happy with something and so caught up that i dont think about what's gonna happen afterwards or what they're really thinking and i'm stuck again; alone in the dark, crying the tears that burn me. goddamnit.

recently i have been talking to david nguyen alot and he is nice company to have, very entertaining. he's so adorable and cute haha. he makes me laugh because he talks so smart & he's a very interesting young boy hehe. i read his journal, or parts of it, and it made me think about other things all over again; about memories, dreams, and wonders. it's depressing because reality is just so imperfect and i cherish my imagination, but some say that the imagination could kill you or just hurt you. i'm generally a happy person, on the outside, but dead on the inside. i allow myself to rot because i dont like burdening people with my own problems. brandon tells me that people have more confidence when they are typing online, and it could be true; maybe or maybe not; but confidence or not, i will never let my guard down. well, sometimes; i lied LOL. it's hard for people to open up because they want to present a strong image, but holding everything in just makes your image weaker because it is a known fact that people are imperfect and that problems burden everybody, strong or weak. i wish sometimes i could be as happy as i appear. i want to feel joyous and undescrible excitement, but then again, i'd get bored of it. its the sorrows and the pain that i receive that makes the happiness all worth it and special. brandon says, "the best thing you can do in a bad situation is to smile." but yet, i smile all day, everyday, and i still suffer from depression and etcetera etcetera. i had a therpaist appointment today but i cancelled it for a job interview. my feelings are getting more and more deep as i walk the narrow path of life and so far, i dont like what i see. but thats okay, i have to accept it and deal with it like every other person living life. its stupid sometimes to wonder about all this bullshit when i could just be doing things to make myself happy. why do i have to think about this? why does anybody? why do people have to dig deep and try to discover all these painful wonders about life? why cant they just be content with what they have? because thats the way it goes. i hate that. "thats the way it is." well what if i dont wanna accept that huh? then i fail life. yes, its possible to fail life. ugh, bitchshit. how do you fail life? by trying your hardest to be something you're not: perfect. the word "perfect" shouldnt even exist when it comes to people, because nobody, in the human history, was perfect and will never be perfect. so why try to achieve an image that doesnt exist? its absolutely ridiculous, yet, everybody still does it, as do i. the only way anybody is ever going to be perfect or be the best is by matching up to somebody else's standards and letting them tell you that you are perfect to them. i have so much shit to do before prom and i hate stress. it gives me pimples and i hate pimples. ugly ugly blemishes. i wish you could wish things in life. haha how ironic. if that was possible though, destruction and chaos would wreak the world. ugh. the only thing left to do is "live, laugh, love."

i wanna run away. it'd be fun just to run away from everyone i know and start a new life, just by myself. i wouldnt tell anybody that i did such a thing; it'd be nice. but i couldnt possibly. i'd hurt people, supposedly, and it'd be very difficult to even start a brand new life. sigh, i just prefer not to have people anymore. i'm always getting hurt one way or the other, sometimes even left. it's frightening. i may be a bit over exaggerating, but that's exactly how i feel. i dont expect anyone to pity me or sympathize with me or even understand; i'm just simply expressing myself. so ivonne tells me that jenny ho has been spending a lot of time with alex and communicating a lot with him also. oh well. life is full of surprises, i just have to embrace them. he's been missing from school for over a week and i've been worried about him, but now i know where he is. i shouldnt feel hurt or anything, but i do. i'm really hurt. i wanna cry, but i'd ask myself why and it's not worth it. so what if he's "dating" jenny again? so what if everything i've done for him doesnt matter? so what if he's willing to be hurt by her again? so what if all my time was a complete waste? so what if i'm hurt? so what. whatever, life goes on. yeah, i have myco by my side, but we argue every single day and we're complete bitches to each other. the littlest things break us and it's fucking frustrating. i try to cherish every moment, but sometimes the pain is overbearing. godd. sometimes i feel like nobody cares. do i even care? i dont even care about my goddamn self, so why should anybody else? i dont know why i bother getting attached to people. its either they hurt me, or i hurt them. whats the point? i have so much homework and i am arguing with myco. goodbye.

i have a lot of shit and homework to do, but here i am typing on my vox once again. i havent updated this shit in a while. matthew ham is coming down tomorrow, woot haha. i held in a lot of tears today. myco hates it when i cry, and i bet a lot of other people hate it when i cry too; so then i held in every tear i had today and i am ready to burst. i need a friend here next to me so that i can cry on their shoulder. i try to stand on my very own two feet, but i'll admit it: i am weak. maybe not weak, but i need people. even though i try to push some away or shut them out, i need them. they're my life. i have nothing else. i have prom coming up and i despise it. i have money issues and i cant pay for that shit, but i dont really have a choice. the way myco asked me was quite cute. i dont wanna describe it all because it was just too darn cute haha. we fight every single day and i am getting tired of it, but i am still here. i give in to him all the time now and i let him be a bitch, but i guess a lot of it is my fault too. i start things, he just provokes it. i'm always doing something wrong, and quite frankly, i'm tired of being a failure. i had therapy today and my mom was in there to do paperwork and when they asked the questions, i couldnt even answer some of them honestly. my mom said a lot of shit and i just wanted to burst into tears, but i couldnt. i shouldnt cry. she was saying nice things, but also said some disappointing things. i wanted to cut off my ears and run out of there. i dont really like telling people what my exact problem is, but i like to talk to people. i just feel like a damn burden sometimes and i will never stop feeling that way. since therapists get paid to listen, i cant burden them and since my vox cant talk back and isnt alive, i cant burden it haha. silly me. its nice that my mom gets a chance to let her feelings out and talk to somebody too, but its my time. sigh, i cant be selfish. i can be selfish at times, but not intentionally. i try to let people be first priority in my life, but thats called being a pushover. although i am aware of it, i choose not to change it. i cant. its impossible. i am who i am and thats not gonna change, no matter how much i want to change. i want to be a sweet kid, the one nobody has a problem with; impossible. i'm okay-ish about who i am though. i fake my happiness all the time, everyday, but i suck at it. i let my emotions, my sensitivity, and people get the best of me. sometimes i hate being stupid. i dont know, i have a lot of feelings and emotions right now, but too much going on. i'll write more later. bye.

its day like these; days like these where i wanna break down & cry. but for what? i have nothing to cry for. i dont know, i know i have people there for me, but i just feel so goddamn alone. yesterday was gary's bbq for his birthday and i didnt go. joanna kept telling me how fun it was and showing me all these pictures. i didnt feel like "damn, i shoulda went." but i felt more like "fuck, why cant i be that happy?" i'm happy she had fun and got to go out and be free before she got grounded. i dont get grounded and i can go out, but i dont. its true, i choose not to go out, but i dont choose to be alone. when i go out with these people i call my friends, i feel more alone than as if i was sitting at the park by myself. i get left out because of multiple reasons or i just dont connect as well. i feel stupid for even going along sometimes. i dont know if they understand, but thats how i feel. joanna talks to everybody or they talk to her; i just sit there wondering how i could be a better person. when people talk to me, i'll talk to but they eventually leave and there i am, sitting alone again. people are always leaving me, either temporarily or permanently. i'm used to it now. i'm sitting at home right now just wanting to cry while i write this, but i cant. i have no reason to cry. i have a lot of work to do for my ap group. i have the most work and i have been doing the most work. it hurts my brain, fuck. i still think myco takes me for granted and just doesnt care about me as much as he used to. he will never forgive me, and i'm lost. he makes me really sad, but i am so happy to have him. when he's not here, i feel so empty, but do i feel empty just because i've lost somebody or because he means so much to me? i dont even know. i really care about him & i really love him, but i dont deserve this. what can i do about it though? i'm so weak and pathetic. it's absurd. i'm not an individual who can take care of herself, even if she always says she can. i wish i could sacrifice myself for something greater. prom is coming up; i have to go with myco. i dont wanna ruin his senior year anymore than he already said i have. goodness gracious. i'm seeing a therapist on monday and honestly, i'm really scared. what if they point out things that i've tried to avoid? then my wounds will reopen and will be thus unavoidable. feelings will be exposed and who i am will really shine. i dont wanna know who i am and i dont wanna know how i feel. it'll just make me think, but at least it'll be out there and i can resolve it. joanna's so butthurt over this gary thing and i dont know what to do. i dont talk to her about my problems really. i dont see the point in talking to anybody. i know you feel better after talking to somebody, but its hard to talk to these people. i'm happy people talk to me about their problems though. they make me feel like i can help them, but it sucks how they can talk to me, but i cant talk to them. they just dont understand and they underestimate my feelings. i hope everyone in my life feelings better though. i wanna go out to eat, but i have nobody to go with. myco asked me if i wanted to go, but i dont want to intrude or feel left out with him an his friends. i associate, but i cant with them. they're just kinda weird. i am friends with almost everybody, but people always get the wrong impression of me and it gets to be difficult to hang out. sigh. tuesday is alex's birthday and i still dont know what to get him. i dont think i should have anymore friends or have myco around me. i just bring people down. i always do. like, i flake out on joanna and i get myco frustrated. all i have are problems and i prefer to be by myself, but i wish i always have somebody by my side. i bring people down though. myco was so happy but he found out i didnt wanna go because i didnt wanna go because his friends dont like me and he got all mad. he knew it was true, but got mad because i should've went anyways. yes, i should go with people who dont like me. thats plain stupid. i wanna shut myself out SO bad, but if i do that, i hurt people. but having people around me is a bad thing anyways. i bring them down or fuck up their day or something. oh, i wish i had somebody i could cry to. i dont like crying to joanna because she has her own problems and she cant say anything to me when i'm crying because its kinda weird. what can she say? myco gets mad or frustrated when i cry. so who do i cry to? myself. i cry to myself. fuck. i have a lot of work to do, a lot of thinking to reconsider, and a lot of stress to get rid of.

i havent written here in a little while. i dont know what to do. if i talk to alex, then myco will get mad at me. if i talk to myco, alex will get mad at me. i care about & love myco a whole lot more, but alex keeps asking me for help or i offer it and i dont wanna not help him. i guess i have a big heart sometimes? idk.myco is like a ticking time bomb; anything i do next will either make or break us. it's scary & every moment i am scared of whats gonna happen. life is going pretty well-ish right now, but my grades & my body aint that great. grades = fail & body = ugly. lmao, NOW life sucks. life is kinda lonely sometimes though. when i am at home and i listen to my music, i get this mellow feeling, but i wish i was always constantly happy. although, when my life is perfect & i'm always happy, i get bored of life and i cause drama without even knowing it. i'm dysfunctional and i need to fix my gears. now that myco is back in my life, i dont feel as empty anymore, but i always had joanna haha that sounded gay. sometimes i still feel like shutting out the world, not in anger anymore, but in sadness. i just wanna surrender my life to the world and let everybody take over while i sit there in confusion, lifeless. make me into a doll and throw me into a box. just lock me up and dont ever let me enjoy the sweet things that life has to offer me. its not like i can enjoy the sweet things right now. i want frozen yogurt from cefiore and i totally missed my chance today because i went to myco's house. i dont regret going to his house, but i really wanted to go get yogurt with joanna lol. i captured a cockroach today as big as my thumb and i named it thumbelina. since i tried to kill my old beetle, hercules, maybe my thumbelina will not be asexual and invincible and prone to death haha. i had to throw away hercules and just HOPE it died =/. i came home and saw thumbelina just on its back twitching. i hope it didnt die, it'd be sad if it did. it's kinda disgusting and gross, but its not like i talk to it or feed it or enjoy it. i just think it's kind of interesting. i just leave the bug there in the cup, i dont do anything with it. i guess i'm still a weird person haha how sad </3 i feel shitty & sick right now, but i'll get over it. i never really stay home when i am sick, except for that time i woke up throwing up and coughing out blood. my mom forced me and did a lot of things to make me stay home lol. myco is taking advantage of my weakness and taking me for granted. everyone thinks it was a bad idea talking to him again after what happened. honestly, i am scared to see what happens next, but he makes me happy. thats the only thing that counts, right? i dont know, i may be blinded by my own infatuation for him, but if i am blinded, how do i let go? how do i move on? even if i had the answers, it'd be hard for me to apply them. life is getting harder and getting attached is making things complicated. i get attached easily. myco has a lot of bad traits in him for a boyfriend, but as a person, he is a really good person. he has good traits as a boyfriend too and he makes me smile and blush, even if he his as lame as lame can be lol. what he did to me was unforgiveable though, but yet, here i am. i am still here. i forgave him, easy as that. as for him, he wont forgive me and i understand why, i just dont see why he cant try to forgive me. he just doesnt want to. we're both scared, but we're trying. sigh, i'd never want to change him, but i'd love it if he could just stop doing some things. he doesnt respect me. for example, if i say "i am going to joanna's house." he'll say "oh more guys? there's always guys. have fun being slutty." and its constantly like that. i hear something like that every fucking day from him and every fucking day i ask him to stop. he says yeah, he'll try but he doesnt. he held it back once or twice, but thats just simply not enough. i NEVER get on him about his shit. i dont know. he's an awfully sweet boy though. he's my sweet potato pie. sigh, i wish alex would contact me right now. i need to record him if he wants his stupid extra credit. i am trying to help him because he wants me to, but its like he doesnt mean it. he wants it so bad, but i guess just not bad enough. we've gotten closer and talked a lot more, but only in class. i saw him at airband and for a moment, he talked to jenny ho and i just wanted to intervene, but thats just what goes on in my own head. i talked to fucking guevara for him too about his T.A position and if he contacted me, he'd know he could still get five fucking credits. just slap the bitch. like a fairy tale, i wish i could have a happy ending, or even just a happy beginning with happy middle. i dont know whats wrong with me, i tear up or cry all the time now. i'll be sitting there watching television then burst into tears about nothing. i like to cry it out because i cant talk it out. i rarely talk about my own problems to anybody. yeah, i am quite reserved, but its not because i want to be, its because i have to be. i want to be there for everybody who needs help because it helps me feel like i have a purpose in life, but sometimes i wish i could just talk about myself and my own problems for one whole day with people actually caring and actually listening. that'd never happen though because the people i talk to, they have their own shit going on and i have to respect that. i'd rather help them with their problems then talk about my own. i can always figure out my own problems, but sometimes i just need to vent. i'll go with my gut and instincts, but i wouldnt mind having a second opinion sometimes. my problems are my own and i need to deal with that. like, what do i do about the way myco acts? people would just tell me "well, you cant do much because thats who he is." and yeah, they're right, but tell me that its okay and that i know what to do. give me a piece of advice. i hate my damn flaws. they're useless, but i guess my flaws are what makes my good points stand out and contrast. if they can see my flaws, they can see what arent my flaws and focus on that. i hate having a big heart though. i'm a pushover and everyones little "bitch"; what can i do though? nothing. haha i cant do anything about the problems in my life but run away and running will only result in running into new problems. lol, i wish i could sleep through life, but i'd wake up to a reality of bullshit. just bullshit. i'm glad i have the people who matter though. special thanks to my bestbestbestbestrolldawgfriend joanna hang and my baby love myco ly & to the rest that are there for me at LUNCH and at home. i'm grateful and always will be for the people who matter. if it werent for my rescue team, i'd still be stuck in my disaster.

my mom was bitching and yelling at me about the whole car accident incident. thing is, she still doesnt know i hurt a woman and that i might have to pay for her hospital bills. my mom already says she doesnt trust me after wal mart and now this and that my stupidity could kill me. she doesnt trust me anymore and that if she did trust me, i'd just kill everybody. how's she gonna feel when she finds out? wow. just fuck me now. i dont wanna deal with anything anymore. i just cant keep my head on straight and i just dont wanna deal with this anymore. everytime something bad is over, something else comes up. i have dealt with a lot of fucking bullshit in my life, but i'm jolly jenn, so i have to find a way to make this blow over and fucking deal with it. my spring break is bullshit. i havent done anything and the ONE place i wanted to go to was the beach. out of all the days, i just wanted to go to the beach. i cant even go there. everyone can have a happy spring break or at least an okay one, but i hate mine. it's bullshit. everyday i stay home and think of a way to kill myself. yeah, i make it sound so horrible, but it probably isnt. i am so close to being pushed over the goddamn edge though. i even called a fucking suicide hotline today. yay for me. i think on monday, i'm going to try and see if i can see the school psychologist. i've wanted to see the school psychologist since freshman year, but i heard you have to be referred to one, so i dont know. i wish i could eat away my problems like most people, but i can barely eat when i am feeling down. i just cry it out. i cry everyday because ima big fucking baby. i complain and whine; i dont give a fucking shit. i still dont think i make much of a difference to people. i'm just one person; why does it matter? i feel like i've lost everything though. everyday, one step at a time, i am destroying my life one way or another. i am failing life to a point where its not even funny. if only i could go to the beach, or somewhere where i could just lay there and be carefree. i'd go to the park, but there's so many scary people there. i just need to relax, and the beach was the place to go to. i cant even fucking go. i could go tomorrow, but none of my friends want to or can go. i want a place of relaxation. if i had a pool, i'd swim all the time to let it all out. i wanna run for track at school, but i dont like running with a bunch of people. my house is empty; i just want somebody to come over and surprise me and sit with me; just sit with me and be there. i guess we dont always get what we want in life though. so i realized that nobody ever gets over their first love. sure, you can find the "one", but you will always still be missing your first love. you wont leave the "one" for your first love, but you'll still be missing them. i miss antho and i am insanely jealous of his new girl, elaine. maybe i wouldnt just go back to antho or anything, but he'll always be there, no matter how many times i tell myself that i am over him. for some odd reason, i feel as if alex zheng is the one guy who will make me forget everything and every past love. i dont know, its so weird. i just have this gut feeling that alex could be the guy to make me happy, maybe not for a lifetime, but for the time being. i just feel it, maybe not know it. haha this crazy silliness is getting to me. i want to just sit in the open air and feel my problems just floating away. i wanna feel the air carry my stress to hell while i sit in bliss. life was easier when all i knew was that santa claus existed and that two plus two was four. now i know that nothing can make me happy and complicated math is just useless in my life. if it's okay with you, i would like to ask for a permanent leave from life.

so my mom found out about the car accident that happened on thursday. i prefer not to talk to anybody about how i feel and what happened between my mom and i. what good does it do for them to know how i feel? they cant do jackshit about it and its not their fault. all they can do is listen and tell me its okay, but most of my friends make it so complicated to listen to me. i cant tell most of them anything. either they change the fucking topic or they dont even listen all the way or tell me some bullshit that just angers me even more. so really, who is there for me? i dont wanna bug them with my bullshit either. especially my CLOSEST friends. they'll just be like "fuck, shit like this happens all the time, get over it" in their heads. i really dont wanna bug them, especially joanna. i think its best for me to keep my feelings and complaints to myself. sigh, i feel like running away and never coming back, but its just too complicated. i dont drive and i have no money or place to stay at. i feel like such a failure. why does this world need more failures? why cant i have been born with common sense? all my life people here and there tell me i have no common sense and its so fucking true. why cant i have been born with some fucking common sense?! i feel like a failure and i feel stupid around everybody i fucking know. every fucking person. i feel like i dont even matter to everybody. sure, they tell me i matter and they tell me how they'd feel if i wasnt there and they'd tell me how life would be. but goddamn it, they only tell me when i need to show that i fucking need them to tell me. yeah, its not their job to show me that they appreciate me, but fuck, i feel so useless. i am useless to everybody around me. i have no fucking purpose in life. joanna, she could always find another bestfriend. i mean, shes had a couple in the past, she can find another one; its only high school. she has a lot of friends that she can always get closer to. she has a lot of friends that arent always there, but they're there when it matters. charlie, he can move on too. he has a lot of friends and he has enough close friends. he doesnt even talk to me. i talk to him. kevin pho lives in sacramento, so thats done. as for the rest of my friends, i dont matter. they cant do anything to change my mind. i am a social person, but i feel kinda weird around people sometimes; especially when i go out with joanna. she has absolutely no idea how lonely i feel. i try to little by little associate with the people i go out with when i go out with her, and its so horrid. somehow, i get left alone. i just wanna be emo for the rest of my high school life and live my life alone. i just wanna do my school work and shut out the whole world. can you do that for me world? leave me alone? pretty please? i always fuck up and i am tired of it. i am a disappointment and annoying person to everybody. why do people bother to be friends with me? i know everybody gets tired of my shit, so why dont they just leave me? people always leave anyways. maybe i should leave people and they'll see that i'm a shady bitch that doesnt deserve to be around them. i dont deserve anybody. i am just a piece of shit. i want to commit suicide. i think i'll plan it out. i'm going to commit suicide on april fourteenth and do everything i want to do before then. or at lest be alone till then. i dont have a purpose here on earth. why does the world need another dumbass that just screws everything over? i'm just so useless. its as if i was put here just so the world could get more screwed up. i am failing life. i hit rock bottom. i caused financial problems for my family too! omg, could i be a worse person? yeah, people who read this might tell me to stop crying, but shut the fuck up. thats what a fucking vox is for. after school on the fourteenth, i am going to die and i dont give a rats ass. i'm going to ask myself, am i really going to do this? i'm gonna google a lot of shit. i might die or just live my life alone. i've always been thinking about just shutting people out, but its just so goddamn hard; but i'm going to give it a shot. i'm glad i have those few friends though. i have joanna & myco & etc. although they are not perfect, they're who i want to be around. i'm falling apart, just falling apart. it's over for me. game over; i wish i could reset everything.

damn it. everyones going through some emotional stage where they realize things. its always been right underneath our noses, but we push it aside to live a good life. everyones getting bothered emotionally with something and it kinda sucks. cant we just all go out and forget the bad times and just roll with the good times? i talked to charlie on the phone and i think he helped me realize a couple of things. even when life brings you down, you just have to learn to bring yourself back up. you have to prove you're strong and show that nothing can keep you down. if you really want something, then you work hard at it. i dont know, i may not have a lot of the same friends i had before, but i do have a couple of good ones and i have to let them know that i appreciate them every once in a while. i want to let my friends know how much i care about them, not just if they were in a hospital bed or in a funeral coffin. everyone needs to know how much they mean to others once in a while =T sighh, its not a bad thing to feel down sometimes though. myco totally hates me and said that he'd never want a girlfriend like me. i never thought i was THAT bad, but i guess i just didnt suit him =/ it sucks because i really really did try and i really really did care, but he cant see that and it hurts. oh boy, does it hurt alot. i'm not cheery or joyful, but i am appreciative. maybe not completely content, but i can get there. i would LOVE some fro yo right now. things will NEVER be perfect for me in my life, but i know that i can make it just almost perfect. i have good friends, little or alot, and i have a family, whether they care or not, and i have a life. it took alot to get me to be alive and i should hold on to that and never forget that my mother went through 9 months of hell to get me to be here. i should just appreciate life. even if i am feeling down alot, i'll force myself to remember everything thats keeping me up and alive. people have had to put up with me and my flaws and if they can get through that, then i admire them. joanna hang is my bestfriend and i have nothing but love and respect for her. shes been through all my ups and downs and shes still there. if she can hang in, then i can hang in too. this is gonna be a short blog, but even if i am not cheery all the time, i am going to try my best and be myself. i will keep myself standing up. i really appreciate everybody thats ever had a part in my life. i have to start dealing and stop avoiding.

i wanna die. someone just FUCKING SHOOT ME. right now! someone fucking shoot me! i cant go on. i cant do hwk. i cant even LOOK at my fucking hwk. he says he regrets everything. everything. do you know what everything is? its fucking everything. i want him to just run me over. everything we've been through. omggg, i fucking love him. ima go back to cutting myself or maybe i'll try drugs. anything to numb the pain. anything to get me to get over it. i'll give myco a gun and he can shoot me. i'll try and get hit by a car. who gives a fuck. i am seriously considering drugs. it might help me feel better. i am pathetic and weak. i dont give a flying fuck no more. he doesnt care about me, why should i care about myself? hey! thats totally true. if nobody but joanna cares about me, why should i care about myself? i can totally hurt myself and nobody would know or even care. yay, i win. fuck, i am so emo i can just die. i aint kidding. this is gonna be a short blog, but fuck the world. UGHHHHHHHHH.