i just realized that my vox page is bright and colorful, but the information within it is dark. should i change my layout? it's contradicting itself haha. anyways, lately i've been feeling pretty okay. except for him. myco just haunts me and it makes me feel horrible. he cussed me out, threw my birthday gift on the driveway, and texted me 35 times saying "i was right about you, slut." lord oh lord, i'm being haunted. and quite frankly, i think it's my fault. i didnt wanna hurt you, but you hurt me too. what am i supposed to do? you'd never learn if i kept going back. we'd just hurt each other even more. sigh, my life is okay though, but i'm not quite satisfied. there's something missing and i think it's my best friend. i mean, i'm so used to having her around or talking to her all the time and now i dont have either. i try to make an effort to hang out with her, but there's always these complications. i am supposed to see her on tuesday, but who knows. she might cancel on me or i might get in a car accident or some stupid shit. lol god forbid i get into a car accident though. honestly, it's okay to be distant from all of my other friends, just not joanna. she's supposed to be my rolldawg and my best friend. now, my best friend is myself and the person i talk to the most is alan. how pathetic right? i feel like a piece of me is missing now that she's not there anymore. technically, she is there, just kinda not. i am getting all dramatic and it's so stupid, but its how i feel and i cant change that. why am i even letting this get to me? ugh. so like, i spent a day with ivonne and it was nice. i havent hung out with her in a while and it was relaxing to get out and just kick it with one of my girl friends. i miss all of them. i had a nice time hanging with winnie too, even though it was short. i just really miss all of them. i miss sheree, jany, ivonne, winnie, bao vy, and joanna. i sound gay, but i hate my summer without them. when i look back on my last high school summer, all i'm gonna remember is working and all the bad things that happened to me. i cant seem to remember any good things happening to me except for alan. it's quite horrendous. i hate this freaking summer. i know, stop complaining because i chose to work, but i need to work to help my family out. i have like thirty bucks in my wallet because i always give money to my mom. i just wish that i could spend one day, just one day, with my girl friends. fuck the world. and charlie borrowed fifty dollars from me and i was gonna use that fifty to pay joanna and jeffrey back. he better pay me back. he had the stupidest reason too, but i couldnt say no. i need somebody to talk to about all my problems. i dont know why i dont talk to alan; for some reason, i just talk about the stupid minor things with him. i need to get deep. i'm supposedly happy, but there's something digging inside of me, like always. i am going to a meteor shower with alan and his friends tomorrow. i was so hyped, but now i am just feel like it's gonna be a waste of my time. why? i dont fucking know. he met all of my sisters and my parents and mharth. alan is so charming. everyone loved him, but jenny had to say something stupid, "i liked myco better." wth is that? screw up my relationship why dont you. omg, i just realized that i kept my promise to myself for this summer. i said i was gonna isolate myself from my friends, and i did. now i feel horrible. okay, i learned from my mistake, now please rescue me. i didnt realized i'd miss them so much. well, i kinda did. i always miss people and now i feel like shit. i just had to somehow keep my own promise. stupid job. okay, so now i kinda drive. it's useless, i have nobody to go out with. and alan drives. this is typical of me. complaining about shit that i brought upon myself. i'm sorry, please forgive me. i feel as if i've been drained of all emotions or of some type of happiness. something is hovering above me waiting to suck up any happiness that comes upon me. all my smiles are quickly torn off my pretty face as my laughter is fading into the distance. i'm back into the phase of reading. every summer, i end up reading someway, somehow. reading is a sign of very, very depressing feelings within myself. i dont like my life, so i read about another's. it's similar to jdrama. not enough drama in my life, so i watch another's. i vow to be satisfied and utterly happy with my life one day. that day will come, even if it does end the next day. i just need one day. i need one day to gather up the broken pieces of my life, find my friends, and just seize the day. on that day, i'm going to smile nonstop until my jaw falls off. lol what a funny image. everywhere i turn, i see some type of danger. i'm lost in my own emotions. the danger is that it's trying to drown me until i do something about it. tough love.
am i wrong? to feel that i dont miss or like myco anymore, kinda. or to feel no "like" emotions towards alan. or even that i am losing that loving feeling towards my friends. i'm actually really emotionless. so i read myco's letter and i couldnt stop crying. he called me and asked if i had read it and we talked for a while and said a long goodbye. afterwards, after i talked to alan, i went to bed and just slept. i was tired and i thought about it, i dont really feel anything towards anybody. the tears for the goodbye was just all in the moment. the laughs while talking to alan was just also all in the moment. i sat down, and i thought to myself, i just put on fronts. i'm a fake.
]]>okay, quick & easy, he broke up with me. it was a long day, and it ended horribly. we were in a fight for two days (since wednesday, july 31) and we didnt talk to each other. then friday night finally came and he was training at my workplace so that he could get a future position there. shit, brb. i have work. okay, so i'm back and i'm here to continue this entry. well, he got mad and jealous alot over a bunch of different things and when he clocked out, he walked past me and uttered the words, "well, consider yourself single now." and i chased after him, but he wouldnt stop and he drove off. that's when i felt my tears coming up and i walked sadly back to the restaurant. i cried hysterically in the kitchen and i hate it when i cry; i always look so ugly. so i went to bed around 2 or 3 something and i was on the phone with alan. damn, i felt like shit. then myco called but hung up, so i called back. no answer. then i got about five or six text messages from him. this is the whole message altogether: "nah its cool go back to whatever guy, co-worker, black guy or anyone you were talking to. and you owe simon $22 and nhat $10.50. you are the stupidest bitch i know, thanks for getting me a job though thanks for getting me a job so i can see what you truly are. you're mom's right, myco would only leave you if you do some horrible shit. i hope you have fun at work cause thats all you're ever gonna do, have fun flirting with fob guys and being hit on by customers and flirting right back at them oh and flirting with those black guys too, no wonder you love being outside on your breaks you dumb ass broad. ugh, i'm so sick of you. you're always what you are, and things never change. bye." and keep in mind that i never replied once, but he kept on going. the messages may be confusing, but in conclusion, he dumped me. and the black guys were the bouncers who are like twice my age. damn, he has horrible grammar. i couldnt stop crying. those were the last words i got from him. it hasnt fully hit me (not yet at least) that he's left me and i wont have my teddy bear there for me anymore. old habits are hard to get rid of and i'm just so used to having him around. i'm trying to be different this time. instead of going back to him and apologizing and trying to get back with him, i am taking a stand. one thing is, i never knew taking a stand would hurt so much. when it does hit me that he's left, it's gonna hurt like a bitch and i'm gonna hate life so much. until then, i'll just suffer ever so slowly. to know that i hurt him, it hurts me more. although he's the one who dumped me, it was my fault. i caused all of this and nobody can tell me otherwise. he may have a short temper and get jealous easily, but i should know my limits and i should know what to do and what not to do. i should've considered his feelings and known what i was in for when i talked to guys. thing is, he took it way hard and ended it for the wrong reasons. dont dump me because i flirt, but do it because you cant stand me anymore or because you've lost all your love for me. just be patient. i've done so much for you already, why couldnt you have just accepted it? i'm a friendly person, and i guess flirty at times. its who i am. i also love to party and i love to hang out with my friends late at night, but i havent done shit because i know it'd hurt you. i mean, i could go out late after work, but i dont do it often because i want you to be happy. i dont get mad at you for doing any of the things you do, why couldnt you just have accepted me? i'm sorry that it had to turn out this way, but god knows we both tried and we always end up in the same place. i just wish that this time, it would've been different. baby, you mean so much to me and you bring joy into my life, but things happen and that joy begins to fade, and eventually, just disappear. i still miss you. i wish pain didnt hurt so much, but then again, it wouldnt be called pain. fuck. so i got my stupid driver's license and i got my insurance. legally, i can drive on my own, but i dont want to. i've lost all will to do anything that means something to me. today at work was the first time i screwed up. everyone screwed up at least once and i didnt. except for today. i was so lost and hurt that i cut myself (accidentally) twice and i hurt my elbow and broke a glass cup. what the hell is wrong with me? everyone said i looked tired and sad. they asked me where was my pretty smile. it just wasnt a regular day. for a couple of hours, i had extreme OCD and i was just hypnotized with organizing things. absolutely consumed. everytime something like this happens, i become an emotionless drama queen. thank goodness it's summer and nobody (my friends) is around to witness all of this. i'll deal with this alone because it's my problem and because this has happened one too many times for others to take it seriously. one, two, three, i see me, and me alone.
its all about love, trust, & respect; or so i hear it is. in my relationship, none of them exist except for love. can a relationship strive on nothing but love? i thought 'love' was supposed to come with trust and respect. if you really love them, you'd trust and respect them, right? so i say that i cant leave him because he has my past, but my past is my past, so i should leave it behind. except, everyday, i look back on the past because it was once the present. everyday passes by and becomes your past, so technically your future will become your past too. "worry about the future jenn" but it'll just be my past in the end. the present will also be a thing of the past. some say to forget about the past, but it made you into who you are. count how many times i said the word 'past'. see? it's a big part of my present life. forget it, should i just live with it? as long as he's happy i guess. all my stupid vox entries would be the perfect question papers for ms. burkhart lol. i just realized that. hmm, i cant just look away and pretend as if nothing happened. what if i act all dramatic again and say that i only want myco and nobody and nothing else? or will i be smarter this time and think about all the pain we have caused to each other? if we do break up, i want somebody to hold me down firmly and not let me cry and break my way through the hold and go running back to him. i'm not the bitch, and i wont continue to be. i was always the dominant one in all my other relationships, and now i'm on a leash. karma. but it makes more sense for the girl to hold the leash because the guy looks like a complete jackass holding the leash. seriously though, if we do break up, i pray to god that i have just one friend who yells at me, screams at me, slaps me, and knocks some sense into me; as long as they hold me back from being a dumb bitch. at least i have experience and i can learn from this when i am older. joanna says i put on a front, and so does everybody else. is that bad or good? my feelings are just too sensitive to be expressed to people. what if they think i'm dumb? or they think i'm just being silly? i cry because of this bullshit, what if they laugh at it? sigh. i was on the phone with alan yesterday night and it's funny because usually when i am on the phone with a guy i just kinda met for four hours, i tend to get feelings, but i have none for him. i'm somewhat emotionally dead and all i can think about is myco. my biggest worry and my biggest comfort. damn, this is gonna be a short entry because i have work soon. i gotta get ready. maybe i'll return to lengthen my entry. peace.
]]>days go by and it's all the same; sleep, eat, & work. i've heard that some would see this as security, but others see it as being in a rut. my boyfriend, the "love of my life", is now just a guy that exists in my life. i am starting to see him as more of a friend than a boyfriend. sometimes i'm so head over heels for him and at other times i'm just bored out of my head. he's there for me to make me smile, but so are my friends. i want him to find a girl who he doesnt get mad at everyday and who would love him more than i ever could in a lifetime. i'm 17, i'm not ready to be tied down. asdf, stop complaining jenn. i've lost all will to "live, laugh, and love". fuck itt. i feel as if i've lost a bestfriend, but i havent, she's still there. in fact, i feel like i've lost all my friends. i never see them or talk to them and i dont know if they'd still be there for me if i needed them. i miss them so much, i even cried. i want my friends back. the only person i see is myco and there is only so much i can take of arguing with him. yesterday night, i stood up to him and he ended up hanging up on me. i felt like shit, but at the same time, i felt liberated. who says i cant be independent? i do a lot on my own, and the things that i cant do, i'll just learn how to. i dont need somebody around to tell me how to do things or what to do, forget that. but he's more than just somebody i depend on; emotions are involved here. if i try to pursue my own happiness, does that make me selfish? for the longest time, i've been trying to make him happy, but if i stop now and hurt both him and me, am i being completely stupid? breaking up with myco is like breaking up with joanna, it's almost impossible. he's been a part of my life for so long that it's gonna be so hard and heartbreaking. but i cant be with him anymore. simple as that. but i cant hurt him. long term relationships? beautiful, if it lasts. one thing, i want to be lost in love and surrounded in spontaneity. i love myco, seriously. i mean, it's wonderful to love someone who loves you back. who wouldnt want that? but to be in a relationship where nothing goes right, thats where it can get tiring. for the past couple of days, every time i think of myco, i have this feeling somebody is in the back of my head and so i look back. is it alan, johnny's friend? no, he's just cute. is it ivan, the fob at my workplace? no, he's got a girlfriend. is it jeffrey evan louie? no, too good a friend. so who is it? it's alex zheng. i ran them through my mind and my heart thumped when it got to alex zheng. he's the one making that feeling of thinking about somebody else run through my veins and body. oh curse him. fuck the bitch hmm? i dont need anymore boys involved in my life. i'm good for now. i just have to figure out this myco situation and i'll be okay. i just dont need anymore boys, i feel sort of independent now. i got my drivers license, i work and pay for things, i help my family out, and i'm seventeen now. i'm okay, i'll get by. but one day, i want complete happiness for me and everyone around me. oh goodness, i feel engorged in, well actually, nothing. there's nothing there. thats what i'm engorged in. there's only emptiness and i know pain is lurking around here somewhere waiting to attack at my most vulnerable and weakest moment. leave me alone, please.
as for my friends, i've only given you an overview. i'm spinning around in the dark grabbing at each one of them one by one but they dont even know i'm there. as soon as i grab ahold of them, they shake me off their arm as if i was just something they got caught in. it's a horrid feeling. if i'm not with myco, then i'm alone, everyday. sure, some nights i just go out with some people, but it's meaningless becuase i'm just a last minute plan, considering i cant go out till after ten. but my mom said i had a choice to make. it was either make money to do things and buy things and help my family, or go out with my gorgeous "loving" friends with no money. haha, fuck you. i dont know. AJKSDFKA! i want to hang out with my friends or at least do something worthwhile. i went to the library and borrowed a couple of novels to read. now i guess i'll be spending some of my summer reading, again. i'm unsatisfied, like usual, and i dont know what to do, also like usual. somebody, just show me the way, show me what to do. i'm trying to be independent, but i still need a little bit of help. just take me away.
baby, take me to kokomo. it's some fantasy island in the hit song "kokomo" by the beach boys. their songs are just lovely. lately, i havent been hurt often, just empty. sigh, i have a dentist appointment tomorrow. every time i go, there's some type of cavity filling =/ i hate those. i especially hate it when they numb your gums, oh god. it's just a pain in the ass, well mouth technically, and i cry </3. so my summer is gonna be similar to last years, i guess. well, not that similar. last summer, everything was drama, drama, drama. this summer, i am hoping for less drama and more happiness. my work schedule is consistent, but it calls for less time with my friends, but i guess it doesnt matter because i didnt hang out with them alot anyways. i dont really feel like doing anything for my birthday. they may be thinking "oh, maybe she just wants us to call her up & feel special" but fuck that. if i actually planned something for my birthday, i'd feel more special knowing people are calling me and wanting to come to my imaginary event. in actuality though, i am going to stay home for this weekend and the tuesday of my birthday. i want to spend it alone, with the one person who i wouldnt bother with my birthday: me. every year, my birthday is some sort of wreck and i'm just tired of it. i dont want my friends to plan something and have it all go wrong again and i disappoint and bother them somehow. no, forget it. my friends are not going to be involved in my birthday. whatever, its only the day i was born. how about celebrating my death? the day i die. it'll be the day to celebrate and say "nice" things about my numerous years in life.so, i've been putting up happy away messages lately because jeffrey said that he'd like to see a happy one one day and there they are. i am not really happy though. actually, when i make the so-called happy away messages, i have something horrible to put in place instead, but it's time to put up a happy front. it's affecting my emotions though. i confuse myself and wonder why i put those messages up. moving on, my dreams keep interfering with my life and my thoughts. it's really starting to bug me. i've been having dreams about jeffrey, ugh haha. i dont like him, but i used to. he's a cutie pie, but he found out a bad secret and now i am rethinking my already-made decision. david ton lectured me about myco on saturday and he was right about all the points he was making, but what do you want me to do? dump somebody who i am almost completely dependent on? who's there for me or helps me or just simply says hello to me everyday? i'd die without my boyfriend and definitely without his sweetness. sure, he has a bad side, but doesnt everyone? his bad side may be very strong at times, but i'm helpless, useless, and lost. maybe i do deserve better, maybe i dont. maybe better will find me and i wont have to search for it. i dont wanna look for somebody who's better than myco, but i want them to find me and show me that i'm what they've been looking for. myco shows me that, sometimes. derek told me that anybody could be a good boyfriend sometimes, but it takes work and effort to be a good one all the time. fuck, its hard. asdfghjk. i'm happy though, i think. i still miss alex zheng. oh, that boy. hahah jenn, get over it. i really do love myco, he's my baby boy. i'm a horrible girlfriend. shoot me honey. sometimes i believe that life in isolation is what i need and what's best for me, but if i was just a bystander who could feel see these feelings, i'd tell me that this aint right and i need to accept my friends' love. yet, i'm still stuck here with these feelings and i'd rather be a hypocrite than a pained person. besides, my friends dont have time to make sure i'm always okay. they have people who are paid to do that. i should go to one of those depression places and stay there for the rest of my life, ha. ugh, for some reason, my birthday has been on my mind. what am i gonna do? i'm only turning 17 though. hmm. i am working nights everyday till saturday. i think saturday night i am going to go to the movies and watch "the dark knight" by myself, oh goodness haha. then sunday, i have church then work so i'll be busy. monday, work. tuesday, day off, birthday. i think i am going to go eat dinner by myself at noah's sushi or noodle planet or somewhere that i can eat decent food. i'm going to wear my lovely yellow dress to symbolize my turning of age, but i am still going alone. i'll have my ipod and maybe something to keep me busy, that way, i dont look like a COMPLETE loser. omg, am i a loser? i hope not. it'll be a fun birthday. i wont have to bother anybody and i wont have to disappoint myself, yippee. i'm gonna look like a freak who's been stood up on a date if i wear my yellow dress lol but i saved it for my birthday, so i WILL wear it. for some reason, i dont feel like i've let everything out; i dont feel satisfied. oh, now i remember. i've taken up a horrible, horrible habit. what am i to do? it's outrageous. there's this big lump in my stomach thats weighing me down, making me feel like such a bad person. oh, fuck me. i'm done with it anyways. i got tired of it and it made me feel like shit, not physically, but mentally and all because of my my biggest flaw and weakness: my guilty conscience. i have to get rid of it one day, it's ruining my life, or maybe it makes me a good person or simply who i am. nobody really knows about this, and boy am i glad about that. if anyone were to find out, they'd judge and hate me. i am not ready for that. forget it, it's done with.
everythings blowing up in my face. i keep telling people, "dont trip, i'm fine" or "yeah of course i'm okay" or "everythings going great" but its not. i hate everything and everything irritates me. i am a ridiculous person and i get uneasy about ridiculous things, but hey thats me. joannas in canada. myco's going to college. winnie's starting school. bao vy uses me. sheree has kahana kai. anthony's a dumbbitch. jany & i dont talk. ivonne doesnt have time. charlie is caught up with himself. addie is a secret to myco. i've drifted away from everybody. this is the entry i am going to be harsh and mean about everything because i am leaving the internet world and leaving my social life. every single little problem i have will be spilled here and i wont be going to write any entries for a while after this one. there's so many i cant even think about it now, great, just great. i'm falling apart piece by piece and i dont have enough time or energy to put myself back together. i have no help to pick me up and keep me strong. once i start driving, i hope i am isolated from the world a bit more and more everytime, more than i already am. i dont want people to care about me; i'm sorry if you do. you'd have to deal with so much of my bullshit, i'm sorry. i'm giving up & i'm gonna live this out alone. i want my summer to be about me laying around watching tv everyday or doing little errands for myself; perfect. facebook & myspace is aggravating me.i hate having friends. they all piss me the fuck off because i am so goddamn possessive. i mean, the friends i have are my fucking friends so stop trying to take them. but i have no right to say who you can or can not be friends with, so by all means, do it. life doesnt work the way i want it to. and goddamn it, bao vy is pissing me the fuck off by being a big ass hypocrite and by using me all the time. stop fucking calling me for your own use and not actually wanting to hang out with me. stop doing rebellious shit that you'd criticize me for doing. fuck you dumbbitch. and myco is just so inconsiderate & insensitive sometimes. ughhh, i try to be so good to you and watch what i do and say JUST FOR YOU and this is how you repay me? by being a big bitch? but you have been good lately and you have been trying a bit more and i appreciate that. you know what cheers me up? my music. its the saddest music, but i get so uplifted and just drowned in emotions that are similar to mine. i am SO glad i'm gonna be working soon. it means that i can just focus on something else and not all the bullshit i have and i wont have to worry about my emotions. i let everything get the best of me (especially my emotions) and i tear myself up over stupid, stupid things. my flaws are stupid too. i am getting a phone soon but it's stupid because i wont have anybody to call or talk to, so whatever. i argue with my parents a lot more now and i get irritated a lot easier now. i dont really know why, but nothing makes me happy. just fuck everything. it all goes wrong and blows up in my fucking face and i dont need to be anymore depressed than i already fucking am. my fucking birthday is coming up and i dont wanna do jackshit. leave me the fuck alone and dont even say 'happy birthday' to me. it'd mean SHIT to me. i'm tired of being the happy and jolly jenn and trying to be optimistic and trying to let things go and being a goddamn pushover. well fuck you and fuck everything else because i'm gonna be a bitch about things. you must be thinking "god, shut the fuck up already" and yeah, i have a really decent/good life, but its how i feel, so you shut up and get over it. sighh, i am so emotional and dramatic. i feel like i'm dying and i feel like if i cry, i might hurt myself by crying. ugh, lame. i miss alex zheng. we never had a thing and we never really hung out, but there's just something about our friendship that makes me so sad when i see your face in a picture with jenny ho. i miss you and i want to talk to you. you always said the right things and the funniest things to make me actually think and to make me feel better. of course, i have many friends who do that, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and boy am i more fond of you. emotions are so difficult and troublesome. god, bullshit. i wanna say to the world "i'm sorry for being such a bother" and let them know that i never meant to be such a hassle. i'm sorry. i'm always sorry. damnnn. i really do love my friends and i put up such a front. i'm all talk. i love you guys, but i hate you guys too. i get so attached just to get hurt. i hope this is just a phase, but it seems that this has been going on since i can remember. i dont want this to be permanent. everyday i feel like i'm crawling to a certain goal, but i dont know what it is. it's so blurry. what's up ahead there? i'm just crawling and crawling just to get a centimeter closer to a fogged image representation of something bigger. i cant see what it is clearly, but i'm getting there. what is it? dont leave me guessing, tell me. everyday will just be another inch closer to that important goal that will all make it worthwhile, i hope. if only somebody would answer my call for help and rescue me out of this pitch black pit. it's scary and dark in here. i cant see anything and it's cold, very cold. i'm frightened to death and i've been calling for help all day. help me, please. i cant do it alone. time will just have to tell me when things will get better. hurry up, every second is like a thousand years to me.
honestly, i dont care much for summer. its okay if it turns out to be a bad summer, it's still just days gone by. summer is just the time to relax and you have more time to do more things, but if it doesnt turn out the way i want it to, thats okay. i wanna be sucked up and be so busy that i dont have to deal with things. i wanna run away haha. thank god i am working, i can block out people so that i can't affect them. i dont wanna hurt people, i really dont. i really dont wanna bother people too and this way, they cant hurt me. people arent all that bad, some actually impact my life in the greatest ways possible, but i just bother them. so here i will stay, isolated from everybody. if i could flip the world upside down, i'd do it. i want people to see how life is upside down. they would view everything in a different way and maybe they'd make better choices. why arent people happy? i think they make themselves sad; just because things dont go the way you want them to doesnt mean everything is horrible. yeah, sometimes i am angry at life, but i dont ever really hate it, otherwise i wouldnt be here now would i? something is keeping me alive and i'm living my life. even when things go right, people find a way to turn it around and find every possible flaw there is; people make themselves unhappy. when something bad happens, go ahead and mourn but try to see things in a happy way. i am being the biggest hypocrite, but this is something i really believe in.
]]>step by step, i was getting there. slowly or not, i was still getting there. i was walking on the road to recovery, recovery from all this pain and bullshit and past incidents, but he made me fall all over again. sigh, so for the past couple of days since summer started, i've been at home watching movies that my dad rented on my own or watching sad movies on television on my own. i was watching "Bounce" and it angered me when the woman didn't give the guy a chance to explain himself or a chance to be somebody she needs. he lied to her for her own good and he was going to tell her on that day anyways, but she just didn't want to give him a chance. is it bad to view his side as a little good? i mean, i was so angry when the guy didn't get the chance to love and be loved, but he did lie. maybe i'm just weak and i give out chances and forgive people way too easily. i am a pushover remember? myco's angry and blew a fuse or something. he seriously tripped over a rock and fell over a cliff. i mean, he went berserk on me and because he's scared of what happened last summer. but omg, i've improved so much and he already takes me for granted by treating me like shit and expecting me to come back. why cant he just love me and treat me nicely hmm? maybe i just ask for too much. i'm so frustrated with myself and with him. how could i let myself get so far and become so consumed? i'm always fucking myself over. be right back, got bullshit to deal with. and i am back. i am overwhelmed and i hope one day i faint. thank you winnie for being there for me, i really needed that. day two & myco is still pushing me away. he kept threatening to dump me & it hurt. please dont take me for granted. dont take advantage of me. i'm a big weak pushover, but dont take advantage of that. i may fuck up and screw up, but its not always just my fault. you need to help us, not destroy us. sigh, take me away. i'm gonna say the same thing i always do: i'm weak. rawr. i am trying to be more confident in the things i do and be less nervous. i should be confident in what i do and who i am because if i wasnt, then i would be unsure of everything and i might as well not do it, but i need to grow up. like anthony says, i need to learn how to deal with things. its just hard because a lot has happened to me in a lifetime and when i think back, sometimes it's almost unbelievable. i've been physically abused by people i love, touched by random people on the street, chased with a knife in a car, and more. it's so sad & pathetic. i cry everyday and i need to suck it up. look at everything i need to do, ridiculous! i'm just a big baby who's gonna cry about everything, but i'm still dealing with it. throw anything you want at me and i'll take it. i'll deal with it even if i cry in the end. i am a damn good person, i just have bad actions sometimes. i dont hurt people intentionally and i try to be nice, but just because i am bitchy sometimes doesnt make me a bad person. i'm sensitive, but i can be tough. i'm whiny, but i am patient with people and their flaws. i can deal with things, just not how you want me to. i wanna lie on the sea and just drift away to a place where i can be by myself. that way, i cant hurt people, bother people, or affect people. if i stay away from the world, i cant hurt them and they cant hurt me. i'll be okay, i'll deal with it. maybe i shouldnt vent my problems out to people, i'll just bother them. i wanna put on a smile and a brave face so that i can be something i'm not. i wanna appear strong and cute and i wanna deceive people. i'll trick them and they'll never know how hurt i am. i'll try my absolute hardest to never cry a tear in front of people and i'll try never to frown because i can help somebody else instead of myself. who cares about me? i certainly dont. this is a reminder to be strong, but to come back and always look at who i am. i'll hide who i am with a different person, but i cannot forget and what makes me, me.
j. HANG was here. hi jenn.
LOL i got so scared when i saw my blog cause i was like wtf when did i write this? YOU FREAK!