summer of 2008; a very awkward summer. i think this has been my most awkward summer yet. i barely, and i mean BARELY, saw my best friend joanna hang. honestly, i missed her. i missed all the stupid days we had laying around going, "eh, lets go out" or "lets go to pingo's. i'm bored at home" but she hangs out with jeffrey and them often and i'm always at work. but when i am not at work, nobody bothers to hang out with me except for alan and david tang. it hurts, but thats okay. winnie and ivonne and bao vy made efforts to hang out with me though, and it made me feel good to know that somebody cares. sometimes i wish that things would go back to normal, but we're all growing up, so what can we do about it? nothing. i'm pretty happy with the relationship part of my life. alan is a very, very good boy lol. he makes me smile all the time, but i dont wanna get hurt again. fear holds me back, but it wont hold me back for long (especially knowing me). i always move on; is that bad? i have one more week of summer left. can somebody please just make me feel loved? alan sucks at it hahaha. everything in my life is pretty decent and i should be content, but i'm not. i wanna do something outrageous to make up for my whole summer. or maybe i should just be happy with everything and stop complaining. haha yeah right. poor jenzilla. i'll finish this tomorrow. okay, so i am going to finish my entry. lately, i've been just carefree and a bit angrier at things, but i am pretty happy. i am hiding something though. i've been trying to deny something and crush it so that it doesnt even exist in my life, but it's impossible because it keeps coming back. i miss myco, or at least how we used to be. he was a complete jackass and i was a bitch, but we loved each other and when he dumped me, i was angry and wanted to stay angry at him. i wanted him to hate me and lose all his feelings for me and i wanted the same. yet, i am sitting here talking about him. i've been trying not to think about him and whenever i do think about him, i change the subject in my head to something stupid like what i'm gonna wear the next day or what i'm gonna do for the time being. it's horrid because now it really dwells on me that he still means something to me. its unfair because when we're together, we hurt each other, and when we're apart, it's the exact same thing. nothing ever gets better and it'll always be a lose-lose situation when it comes to me and him. but we had something, a history and a love so crazy that it'll always remain with me no matter what i do. i'm stupider now. ever since we broke up, i'm not the same person. i'm trying to change myself, and it's not for the best. i'm not the same silly goose i was before. my coworker ivan even said, "jenn, you're not the same nice cute girl you were before baby." yeah, he calls me baby, but he's a fob so it's okay. he said i am meaner and more independent. it's true, i'm meaner and more independent. although i had so many flaws before, i have even more now. i have road rage, i get irritated easily, i stand up for myself in a very abrupt way, i try to eliminate my caring emotions for others, and i am just not myself anymore. i'm so scared of getting hurt and stepped on like before that i push others away, like alan. oh boy, he even mentioned that he's trying to get closer, whereas i am distancing myself from him. it hurt me to hear him say that. i dont mean to distance myself from him, but do i need more pain and heartbreak in my life? more haunting emotions? i'm not exactly stuck in fear, but i am also suspicious and skeptical about everything. what if i not only get hurt, but i get screwed over? or i get embarrassed or worse? what if things dont turn out the way i want them to? sigh, i ask stupid questions, but i ask them nonetheless. so like, i am trying to quit my bad habit. it's a good thing alan & joanna are trying to get me to stop. it's so unattractive for a girl to have that habit. sometimes i feel so lost and lonely. i have friends, but where are they when i really need them? and alan and i are good, but there's just something missing. whats missing? a connection. i cant force a connection to appear, but i can certainly try. there's just so much tiny shit that bothers me; lets destroy it. life is life, and i cant quit now. i've got to keep running this race that just keeps on going. when i get to that finish line, i'll feel so accomplished, i hope.
i just realized that my vox page is bright and colorful, but the information within it is dark. should i change my layout? it's contradicting itself haha. anyways, lately i've been feeling pretty okay. except for him. myco just haunts me and it makes me feel horrible. he cussed me out, threw my birthday gift on the driveway, and texted me 35 times saying "i was right about you, slut." lord oh lord, i'm being haunted. and quite frankly, i think it's my fault. i didnt wanna hurt you, but you hurt me too. what am i supposed to do? you'd never learn if i kept going back. we'd just hurt each other even more. sigh, my life is okay though, but i'm not quite satisfied. there's something missing and i think it's my best friend. i mean, i'm so used to having her around or talking to her all the time and now i dont have either. i try to make an effort to hang out with her, but there's always these complications. i am supposed to see her on tuesday, but who knows. she might cancel on me or i might get in a car accident or some stupid shit. lol god forbid i get into a car accident though. honestly, it's okay to be distant from all of my other friends, just not joanna. she's supposed to be my rolldawg and my best friend. now, my best friend is myself and the person i talk to the most is alan. how pathetic right? i feel like a piece of me is missing now that she's not there anymore. technically, she is there, just kinda not. i am getting all dramatic and it's so stupid, but its how i feel and i cant change that. why am i even letting this get to me? ugh. so like, i spent a day with ivonne and it was nice. i havent hung out with her in a while and it was relaxing to get out and just kick it with one of my girl friends. i miss all of them. i had a nice time hanging with winnie too, even though it was short. i just really miss all of them. i miss sheree, jany, ivonne, winnie, bao vy, and joanna. i sound gay, but i hate my summer without them. when i look back on my last high school summer, all i'm gonna remember is working and all the bad things that happened to me. i cant seem to remember any good things happening to me except for alan. it's quite horrendous. i hate this freaking summer. i know, stop complaining because i chose to work, but i need to work to help my family out. i have like thirty bucks in my wallet because i always give money to my mom. i just wish that i could spend one day, just one day, with my girl friends. fuck the world. and charlie borrowed fifty dollars from me and i was gonna use that fifty to pay joanna and jeffrey back. he better pay me back. he had the stupidest reason too, but i couldnt say no. i need somebody to talk to about all my problems. i dont know why i dont talk to alan; for some reason, i just talk about the stupid minor things with him. i need to get deep. i'm supposedly happy, but there's something digging inside of me, like always. i am going to a meteor shower with alan and his friends tomorrow. i was so hyped, but now i am just feel like it's gonna be a waste of my time. why? i dont fucking know. he met all of my sisters and my parents and mharth. alan is so charming. everyone loved him, but jenny had to say something stupid, "i liked myco better." wth is that? screw up my relationship why dont you. omg, i just realized that i kept my promise to myself for this summer. i said i was gonna isolate myself from my friends, and i did. now i feel horrible. okay, i learned from my mistake, now please rescue me. i didnt realized i'd miss them so much. well, i kinda did. i always miss people and now i feel like shit. i just had to somehow keep my own promise. stupid job. okay, so now i kinda drive. it's useless, i have nobody to go out with. and alan drives. this is typical of me. complaining about shit that i brought upon myself. i'm sorry, please forgive me. i feel as if i've been drained of all emotions or of some type of happiness. something is hovering above me waiting to suck up any happiness that comes upon me. all my smiles are quickly torn off my pretty face as my laughter is fading into the distance. i'm back into the phase of reading. every summer, i end up reading someway, somehow. reading is a sign of very, very depressing feelings within myself. i dont like my life, so i read about another's. it's similar to jdrama. not enough drama in my life, so i watch another's. i vow to be satisfied and utterly happy with my life one day. that day will come, even if it does end the next day. i just need one day. i need one day to gather up the broken pieces of my life, find my friends, and just seize the day. on that day, i'm going to smile nonstop until my jaw falls off. lol what a funny image. everywhere i turn, i see some type of danger. i'm lost in my own emotions. the danger is that it's trying to drown me until i do something about it. tough love.
okay, quick & easy, he broke up with me. it was a long day, and it ended horribly. we were in a fight for two days (since wednesday, july 31) and we didnt talk to each other. then friday night finally came and he was training at my workplace so that he could get a future position there. shit, brb. i have work. okay, so i'm back and i'm here to continue this entry. well, he got mad and jealous alot over a bunch of different things and when he clocked out, he walked past me and uttered the words, "well, consider yourself single now." and i chased after him, but he wouldnt stop and he drove off. that's when i felt my tears coming up and i walked sadly back to the restaurant. i cried hysterically in the kitchen and i hate it when i cry; i always look so ugly. so i went to bed around 2 or 3 something and i was on the phone with alan. damn, i felt like shit. then myco called but hung up, so i called back. no answer. then i got about five or six text messages from him. this is the whole message altogether: "nah its cool go back to whatever guy, co-worker, black guy or anyone you were talking to. and you owe simon $22 and nhat $10.50. you are the stupidest bitch i know, thanks for getting me a job though thanks for getting me a job so i can see what you truly are. you're mom's right, myco would only leave you if you do some horrible shit. i hope you have fun at work cause thats all you're ever gonna do, have fun flirting with fob guys and being hit on by customers and flirting right back at them oh and flirting with those black guys too, no wonder you love being outside on your breaks you dumb ass broad. ugh, i'm so sick of you. you're always what you are, and things never change. bye." and keep in mind that i never replied once, but he kept on going. the messages may be confusing, but in conclusion, he dumped me. and the black guys were the bouncers who are like twice my age. damn, he has horrible grammar. i couldnt stop crying. those were the last words i got from him. it hasnt fully hit me (not yet at least) that he's left me and i wont have my teddy bear there for me anymore. old habits are hard to get rid of and i'm just so used to having him around. i'm trying to be different this time. instead of going back to him and apologizing and trying to get back with him, i am taking a stand. one thing is, i never knew taking a stand would hurt so much. when it does hit me that he's left, it's gonna hurt like a bitch and i'm gonna hate life so much. until then, i'll just suffer ever so slowly. to know that i hurt him, it hurts me more. although he's the one who dumped me, it was my fault. i caused all of this and nobody can tell me otherwise. he may have a short temper and get jealous easily, but i should know my limits and i should know what to do and what not to do. i should've considered his feelings and known what i was in for when i talked to guys. thing is, he took it way hard and ended it for the wrong reasons. dont dump me because i flirt, but do it because you cant stand me anymore or because you've lost all your love for me. just be patient. i've done so much for you already, why couldnt you have just accepted it? i'm a friendly person, and i guess flirty at times. its who i am. i also love to party and i love to hang out with my friends late at night, but i havent done shit because i know it'd hurt you. i mean, i could go out late after work, but i dont do it often because i want you to be happy. i dont get mad at you for doing any of the things you do, why couldnt you just have accepted me? i'm sorry that it had to turn out this way, but god knows we both tried and we always end up in the same place. i just wish that this time, it would've been different. baby, you mean so much to me and you bring joy into my life, but things happen and that joy begins to fade, and eventually, just disappear. i still miss you. i wish pain didnt hurt so much, but then again, it wouldnt be called pain. fuck. so i got my stupid driver's license and i got my insurance. legally, i can drive on my own, but i dont want to. i've lost all will to do anything that means something to me. today at work was the first time i screwed up. everyone screwed up at least once and i didnt. except for today. i was so lost and hurt that i cut myself (accidentally) twice and i hurt my elbow and broke a glass cup. what the hell is wrong with me? everyone said i looked tired and sad. they asked me where was my pretty smile. it just wasnt a regular day. for a couple of hours, i had extreme OCD and i was just hypnotized with organizing things. absolutely consumed. everytime something like this happens, i become an emotionless drama queen. thank goodness it's summer and nobody (my friends) is around to witness all of this. i'll deal with this alone because it's my problem and because this has happened one too many times for others to take it seriously. one, two, three, i see me, and me alone.
its all about love, trust, & respect; or so i hear it is. in my relationship, none of them exist except for love. can a relationship strive on nothing but love? i thought 'love' was supposed to come with trust and respect. if you really love them, you'd trust and respect them, right? so i say that i cant leave him because he has my past, but my past is my past, so i should leave it behind. except, everyday, i look back on the past because it was once the present. everyday passes by and becomes your past, so technically your future will become your past too. "worry about the future jenn" but it'll just be my past in the end. the present will also be a thing of the past. some say to forget about the past, but it made you into who you are. count how many times i said the word 'past'. see? it's a big part of my present life. forget it, should i just live with it? as long as he's happy i guess. all my stupid vox entries would be the perfect question papers for ms. burkhart lol. i just realized that. hmm, i cant just look away and pretend as if nothing happened. what if i act all dramatic again and say that i only want myco and nobody and nothing else? or will i be smarter this time and think about all the pain we have caused to each other? if we do break up, i want somebody to hold me down firmly and not let me cry and break my way through the hold and go running back to him. i'm not the bitch, and i wont continue to be. i was always the dominant one in all my other relationships, and now i'm on a leash. karma. but it makes more sense for the girl to hold the leash because the guy looks like a complete jackass holding the leash. seriously though, if we do break up, i pray to god that i have just one friend who yells at me, screams at me, slaps me, and knocks some sense into me; as long as they hold me back from being a dumb bitch. at least i have experience and i can learn from this when i am older. joanna says i put on a front, and so does everybody else. is that bad or good? my feelings are just too sensitive to be expressed to people. what if they think i'm dumb? or they think i'm just being silly? i cry because of this bullshit, what if they laugh at it? sigh. i was on the phone with alan yesterday night and it's funny because usually when i am on the phone with a guy i just kinda met for four hours, i tend to get feelings, but i have none for him. or do i? there's something there, and its making me feel all tingly. i'm somewhat emotionally dead and all i can think about is myco. my biggest worry and my biggest comfort. damn, this is gonna be a short entry because i have work soon. i gotta get ready. maybe i'll return to lengthen my entry. peace.
