days go by and it's all the same; sleep, eat, & work. i've heard that some would see this as security, but others see it as being in a rut. my boyfriend, the "love of my life", is now just a guy that exists in my life. i am starting to see him as more of a friend than a boyfriend. sometimes i'm so head over heels for him and at other times i'm just bored out of my head. he's there for me to make me smile, but so are my friends. i want him to find a girl who he doesnt get mad at everyday and who would love him more than i ever could in a lifetime. i'm 17, i'm not ready to be tied down. asdf, stop complaining jenn. i've lost all will to "live, laugh, and love". fuck itt. i feel as if i've lost a bestfriend, but i havent, she's still there. in fact, i feel like i've lost all my friends. i never see them or talk to them and i dont know if they'd still be there for me if i needed them. i miss them so much, i even cried. i want my friends back. the only person i see is myco and there is only so much i can take of arguing with him. yesterday night, i stood up to him and he ended up hanging up on me. i felt like shit, but at the same time, i felt liberated. who says i cant be independent? i do a lot on my own, and the things that i cant do, i'll just learn how to. i dont need somebody around to tell me how to do things or what to do, forget that. but he's more than just somebody i depend on; emotions are involved here. if i try to pursue my own happiness, does that make me selfish? for the longest time, i've been trying to make him happy, but if i stop now and hurt both him and me, am i being completely stupid? breaking up with myco is like breaking up with joanna, it's almost impossible. he's been a part of my life for so long that it's gonna be so hard and heartbreaking. but i cant be with him anymore. simple as that. but i cant hurt him. long term relationships? beautiful, if it lasts. one thing, i want to be lost in love and surrounded in spontaneity. i love myco, seriously. i mean, it's wonderful to love someone who loves you back. who wouldnt want that? but to be in a relationship where nothing goes right, thats where it can get tiring. for the past couple of days, every time i think of myco, i have this feeling somebody is in the back of my head and so i look back. is it alan, johnny's friend? no, he's just cute. is it ivan, the fob at my workplace? no, he's got a girlfriend. is it jeffrey evan louie? no, too good a friend. so who is it? it's alex zheng. i ran them through my mind and my heart thumped when it got to alex zheng. he's the one making that feeling of thinking about somebody else run through my veins and body. oh curse him. fuck the bitch hmm? i dont need anymore boys involved in my life. i'm good for now. i just have to figure out this myco situation and i'll be okay. i just dont need anymore boys, i feel sort of independent now. i got my drivers license, i work and pay for things, i help my family out, and i'm seventeen now. i'm okay, i'll get by. but one day, i want complete happiness for me and everyone around me. oh goodness, i feel engorged in, well actually, nothing. there's nothing there. thats what i'm engorged in. there's only emptiness and i know pain is lurking around here somewhere waiting to attack at my most vulnerable and weakest moment. leave me alone, please.
as for my friends, i've only given you an overview. i'm spinning around in the dark grabbing at each one of them one by one but they dont even know i'm there. as soon as i grab ahold of them, they shake me off their arm as if i was just something they got caught in. it's a horrid feeling. if i'm not with myco, then i'm alone, everyday. sure, some nights i just go out with some people, but it's meaningless becuase i'm just a last minute plan, considering i cant go out till after ten. but my mom said i had a choice to make. it was either make money to do things and buy things and help my family, or go out with my gorgeous "loving" friends with no money. haha, fuck you. i dont know. AJKSDFKA! i want to hang out with my friends or at least do something worthwhile. i went to the library and borrowed a couple of novels to read. now i guess i'll be spending some of my summer reading, again. i'm unsatisfied, like usual, and i dont know what to do, also like usual. somebody, just show me the way, show me what to do. i'm trying to be independent, but i still need a little bit of help. just take me away.
baby, take me to kokomo. it's some fantasy island in the hit song "kokomo" by the beach boys. their songs are just lovely. lately, i havent been hurt often, just empty. sigh, i have a dentist appointment tomorrow. every time i go, there's some type of cavity filling =/ i hate those. i especially hate it when they numb your gums, oh god. it's just a pain in the ass, well mouth technically, and i cry </3. so my summer is gonna be similar to last years, i guess. well, not that similar. last summer, everything was drama, drama, drama. this summer, i am hoping for less drama and more happiness. my work schedule is consistent, but it calls for less time with my friends, but i guess it doesnt matter because i didnt hang out with them alot anyways. i dont really feel like doing anything for my birthday. they may be thinking "oh, maybe she just wants us to call her up & feel special" but fuck that. if i actually planned something for my birthday, i'd feel more special knowing people are calling me and wanting to come to my imaginary event. in actuality though, i am going to stay home for this weekend and the tuesday of my birthday. i want to spend it alone, with the one person who i wouldnt bother with my birthday: me. every year, my birthday is some sort of wreck and i'm just tired of it. i dont want my friends to plan something and have it all go wrong again and i disappoint and bother them somehow. no, forget it. my friends are not going to be involved in my birthday. whatever, its only the day i was born. how about celebrating my death? the day i die. it'll be the day to celebrate and say "nice" things about my numerous years in life.so, i've been putting up happy away messages lately because jeffrey said that he'd like to see a happy one one day and there they are. i am not really happy though. actually, when i make the so-called happy away messages, i have something horrible to put in place instead, but it's time to put up a happy front. it's affecting my emotions though. i confuse myself and wonder why i put those messages up. moving on, my dreams keep interfering with my life and my thoughts. it's really starting to bug me. i've been having dreams about jeffrey, ugh haha. i dont like him, but i used to. he's a cutie pie, but he found out a bad secret and now i am rethinking my already-made decision. david ton lectured me about myco on saturday and he was right about all the points he was making, but what do you want me to do? dump somebody who i am almost completely dependent on? who's there for me or helps me or just simply says hello to me everyday? i'd die without my boyfriend and definitely without his sweetness. sure, he has a bad side, but doesnt everyone? his bad side may be very strong at times, but i'm helpless, useless, and lost. maybe i do deserve better, maybe i dont. maybe better will find me and i wont have to search for it. i dont wanna look for somebody who's better than myco, but i want them to find me and show me that i'm what they've been looking for. myco shows me that, sometimes. derek told me that anybody could be a good boyfriend sometimes, but it takes work and effort to be a good one all the time. fuck, its hard. asdfghjk. i'm happy though, i think. i still miss alex zheng. oh, that boy. hahah jenn, get over it. i really do love myco, he's my baby boy. i'm a horrible girlfriend. shoot me honey. sometimes i believe that life in isolation is what i need and what's best for me, but if i was just a bystander who could feel see these feelings, i'd tell me that this aint right and i need to accept my friends' love. yet, i'm still stuck here with these feelings and i'd rather be a hypocrite than a pained person. besides, my friends dont have time to make sure i'm always okay. they have people who are paid to do that. i should go to one of those depression places and stay there for the rest of my life, ha. ugh, for some reason, my birthday has been on my mind. what am i gonna do? i'm only turning 17 though. hmm. i am working nights everyday till saturday. i think saturday night i am going to go to the movies and watch "the dark knight" by myself, oh goodness haha. then sunday, i have church then work so i'll be busy. monday, work. tuesday, day off, birthday. i think i am going to go eat dinner by myself at noah's sushi or noodle planet or somewhere that i can eat decent food. i'm going to wear my lovely yellow dress to symbolize my turning of age, but i am still going alone. i'll have my ipod and maybe something to keep me busy, that way, i dont look like a COMPLETE loser. omg, am i a loser? i hope not. it'll be a fun birthday. i wont have to bother anybody and i wont have to disappoint myself, yippee. i'm gonna look like a freak who's been stood up on a date if i wear my yellow dress lol but i saved it for my birthday, so i WILL wear it. for some reason, i dont feel like i've let everything out; i dont feel satisfied. oh, now i remember. i've taken up a horrible, horrible habit. what am i to do? it's outrageous. there's this big lump in my stomach thats weighing me down, making me feel like such a bad person. oh, fuck me. i'm done with it anyways. i got tired of it and it made me feel like shit, not physically, but mentally and all because of my my biggest flaw and weakness: my guilty conscience. i have to get rid of it one day, it's ruining my life, or maybe it makes me a good person or simply who i am. nobody really knows about this, and boy am i glad about that. if anyone were to find out, they'd judge and hate me. i am not ready for that. forget it, it's done with.
