winnie & joanna say my vox entries are long, like an essay lol. i have a lot of feelings? but winnie said it's the same thing all the time; now i feel as if my feelings are played out. lately i've been feeling unhappy. everything is going kinda fine, but something is always fucking it up. i hope i get the waitress job. sigh, i feel unsatisfied with who i am. i think i am selfish and arrogant and needy. some say the opposite, but it's true. i am selfish. i always want it to be my way, but it never is. i'm a big pushover. i'm the understanding girl who always gets stepped on. my dad was being a big bitch and me and talking to people in church. god, he even threatened to kick my ass. go ahead, i'll just run. would you care daddy? ugh, but i probably wouldnt have the guts, not because i'm scared of life outside my home, but scared to hurt his feelings. i wouldnt want to hurt my dad, no matter what he did to me. nobody deserves to have painful feelings. i dont think myco cares anymore, he keeps saying all this bullshit. i've been feeling so goddamn distant from him, i feel distant from everybody. sure, nobody can really relate to anybody precisely, but i wish that somebody could understand me. i would never want them to feel what i feel though, that'd be just too much for one person to handle. i can barely even handle all of this pain, but i do it anyways. i dont want anybody to ever have to carry these burdens on my fragile and sensitive back. i even wish sometimes i could take somebody else's pain away from them and give it to me. i dont like it when people are hurt, it's the biggest agony i could ever feel or hear or see. i just have to tell myself that i can handle this. my feelings are so indescribable; i need to get out of this universe and find some words that fit my feelings lol. i dont think this will ever go away. sometimes i feel as if my feelings dont even compare to others. they probably feel a lot indistinguishable feelings also, maybe some hurt here and there. what i feel is probably similar to many, many people. so why bother voxing it all out? i'm just one person on this planet of 6 billion people; i'm worthless. i'm of no value. i'm replaceable. you know what, my vox is always about me. thats how i am selfish. why dont i talk about other peoples feelings huh? i care about other's feelings too, but i dont write about it. does it mean i dont care? i dont know. i dont hate life, i just am an emotional person, as david ton says. i want to be seen as happy and joyous and carefree. my feelings make me weak and vulnerable. do i really write about the same things all the time? if i do, whats the point in all of this? i might as well never say anything and just hope my feelings pass. god, feelings. i want them rid of. it turns me into a monster, gross. one day, i shall write very very happy thoughts in my vox. when is that going to happen? soon, i hope. i am happy sometimes, but not happy enough to write about it. i have a decent life, i should appreciate it. actually, i do appreciate it. it's better than some people, i should be content. maybe i need to be in somebody else's shoes and see how their life is. i've always wanted to do that, but it's impossible to actually go through what they're going through. i think this is ridiculous and pitiful. i should stop complaining and make the best of my life. sure, i'm optimistic when it comes to others, but pessimistic when it comes to myself. that needs to end, i have to make the best of this, i need to live life. i need to enjoy the pure innocent laughter of others and myself. i need to love like i've never loved before. i'm trying, i really am.
sigh, i have such a bigass headache. i feel like crying, but i cant do that. my ap seminar novel group is over at my house doing their own thing. we have our presentation on friday with nothing in mind. myco was just on a roll today with getting mad at me. it's so ridiculous. i get so frustrated to the point where i literally feel like my head is about to explode, and i will once again repeat "literally" for emphasis. i hope i dont pull any muscle in my brain and kill myself, or do i? that would be a satisfying thought. to die is scary, but i guess it depends what you're dying for to regain honor. i'm just an average teenager sitting in the middle of more average teenagers. everybody may be different, but they all consist of similar flaws or similar qualities. what makes me different? the hairs on my head? my fingerprints? those are just physical qualities. what is something that is so unique that makes me different from everybody else? forget it, i might as well conform; i'm close enough as it is. i bring myself down. i look on the bright side when i talk to people, but i make myself feel bad when i dont have to. its unnecessary and yet i do it anyways. the way of life for me? ugh. even in my own ap group i feel like an outsider. i feel outcasted from everything i do; is it becuase i bring work upon myself and keep myself busy? why do i wonder these things? fuck it. i need to learn to accept things the way they are. well, i cant change my destiny, but it possible to alter it. i can do things or change things to affect the way my life turns out, even if i cannot assure how it's going to turn out or even know for sure. oh boy, i am tired. i talk like an average person when i am on my vox, but in reality, i'm a dumbass. it's funny how people are more confident online, but it's not as if i am talking to anybody face to face. i always prefer in-person contact, and i am not even talking to anybody right now; it's just a blog. ridiculous, i feel like a fool. this was short.
thats the one thing i want to tell everybody, for them to shut up. i know, i screwed up. i always do. i am such a failure; it's disgusting, repulsive even. all i hear from my family is put downs and more put downs, even from my younger siblings and that is pathetic and pitiful. i was going through my little sister's phone (jenny) to text my older sister, but she never replied back. i had stumbled upon jackie's messages and jennys messages to each other because i was deleting the ones i was sending to myco. what i discovered was that they were talking about how stupid i was and how jenny is more responsible than i am; horrible. i'm the older sister, so it's just rueful that she surpasses me in responsibility. i am responsible. how would my older sister know jackshit? she left us. is that responsible? dont think so. they dont know that i may not be as responsible as they think i am, but i take responsibility for all my mistakes. every time my sisters need something, they come running to me. well dont come running to me if you dont respect me, bitches. i am self-aware of my flaws and that helps me to improve myself. its a step up from not being aware. at least i'm not in denial of my flaws which is not even helping; actually, its taking two steps back! i quit; i quit everything. maybe if i wasnt a failure, i'd be better off. i dont wanna be happy anymore, but when i dont laugh or act silly online, people keep asking me if i am okay. i dont want them to see my weak side. if i was a strong person, i wouldnt mind them seeing my weak side; but i am a weak person, so showing my weak side would only enhance my vulnerability. i think thats why i put up a strong cover; i want to show people that i can be strong, when in actuality, i am not. people say they feel joyous & positive when they talk to me, why dont i feel that way? i wanna be positive too. i'm always the one acting and pretending to be so silly & happy that i dont know when it's real anymore. its true, when you're always lying and faking it, you disappear. when i say "you" i mean who you are. i dont know who i am anymore. ugh, okay, so my charcoal gray razr was jacked at prom, but other than that, i really liked prom. myco finally told me "i love you" and i just stayed silent from my butterflies >_< but yeah, i had a good time. he's such a cutie patootie<33. blahblahblah; fuck this bullshit. sometimes i wonder, what is too much? a person can be too nice or too mean, what is too much? either they're nice or they're mean, why is there a certain extent? what if i am a nice person, but too nice? to the point where some take advantage of me, but what if i was just nice? then they wouldnt take advantage or me? i have so many questions, and so does everybody else, but they will never be answered. maybe it's best to keep our mouths shut.
ugh, i hate letting my guard down. i hate acting fake. why dont you just suck my fucking dick huh? i have a lot of anger and resentment inside of me, but why should people know that? its okay, i'll just tell myself its fine. everything will be okay. sighh, i just need to breathe and let all the bad energy out; scratch that. i'm gonna stay my emo self. i have all these vulnerable moments and i am such a sensitive person, but people have no idea, no idea at all. i'm suffering, cant you see? everyone has a different view of me, everyone sees me in a different way. i want to be just one person, not ten. i let people take advantage of me and push me around because i am a big pushover. well fuck the world. i dont give a shit anymore. who fucking cares? go ahead, take me for granted because all i am is a doll that gets passed around. i have so much to offer, but nobody appreciates it. is this what my life is purposed for? to please others, but not myself? i think so. thats how things have been ever since i can even remember. it's quite sad and pathetic, i feel bad for myself. let me just hide myself and see how people react. psh, they wouldnt give a rats ass, but they'd take advantage of me when i do show myself. if only i could drown myself and cry underwater. yeah, it sounds kinda stupid, but if i could drown myself and cry underwater, nobody could tell the difference. i'd be underwater anyways haha. please, just sit by my side and never leave me. i'm possessive and i dont like sharing my friends. they're my friends, not yours. they care about me, not you. fuck. i should stop being so selfish, even though some say i am selfless. in a way, i am quite selfless because i try not to affect others with my feelings. david nguyen says that i am sad and he feels bad for me. should i take that into consideration? many say the exact same, but its how i feel. how can i change that to benefit me? who knows. i'm trapped. caged. imprisoned. i'm in some type of repeating cycle of horror and pain and tears. i'm so used to it that i cant smile a real smile anymore. sure, some moments i am laughing and smiling the day away because some things are just comical, but as soon as that's over, i'm back to holding back my tears and dreaming nightmares. someone, please, stay here with me for a while and live in denial of all reality. we will dance the night away and stare at the stars and laugh in unstoppable joy. whoo, i'm just so lame haha. sometimes i feel as stupid as others make me out to be. i'm stupid and i am gullible and i fall for things easily. i get my hopes up, then crushed, then up again, and crushed for good. i'm prone to disappointment. it comes along and affects me like candy to a baby. ugh, absurd. i get so happy with something and so caught up that i dont think about what's gonna happen afterwards or what they're really thinking and i'm stuck again; alone in the dark, crying the tears that burn me. goddamnit.
recently i have been talking to david nguyen alot and he is nice company to have, very entertaining. he's so adorable and cute haha. he makes me laugh because he talks so smart & he's a very interesting young boy hehe. i read his journal, or parts of it, and it made me think about other things all over again; about memories, dreams, and wonders. it's depressing because reality is just so imperfect and i cherish my imagination, but some say that the imagination could kill you or just hurt you. i'm generally a happy person, on the outside, but dead on the inside. i allow myself to rot because i dont like burdening people with my own problems. brandon tells me that people have more confidence when they are typing online, and it could be true; maybe or maybe not; but confidence or not, i will never let my guard down. well, sometimes; i lied LOL. it's hard for people to open up because they want to present a strong image, but holding everything in just makes your image weaker because it is a known fact that people are imperfect and that problems burden everybody, strong or weak. i wish sometimes i could be as happy as i appear. i want to feel joyous and undescrible excitement, but then again, i'd get bored of it. its the sorrows and the pain that i receive that makes the happiness all worth it and special. brandon says, "the best thing you can do in a bad situation is to smile." but yet, i smile all day, everyday, and i still suffer from depression and etcetera etcetera. i had a therpaist appointment today but i cancelled it for a job interview. my feelings are getting more and more deep as i walk the narrow path of life and so far, i dont like what i see. but thats okay, i have to accept it and deal with it like every other person living life. its stupid sometimes to wonder about all this bullshit when i could just be doing things to make myself happy. why do i have to think about this? why does anybody? why do people have to dig deep and try to discover all these painful wonders about life? why cant they just be content with what they have? because thats the way it goes. i hate that. "thats the way it is." well what if i dont wanna accept that huh? then i fail life. yes, its possible to fail life. ugh, bitchshit. how do you fail life? by trying your hardest to be something you're not: perfect. the word "perfect" shouldnt even exist when it comes to people, because nobody, in the human history, was perfect and will never be perfect. so why try to achieve an image that doesnt exist? its absolutely ridiculous, yet, everybody still does it, as do i. the only way anybody is ever going to be perfect or be the best is by matching up to somebody else's standards and letting them tell you that you are perfect to them. i have so much shit to do before prom and i hate stress. it gives me pimples and i hate pimples. ugly ugly blemishes. i wish you could wish things in life. haha how ironic. if that was possible though, destruction and chaos would wreak the world. ugh. the only thing left to do is "live, laugh, love."
i wanna run away. it'd be fun just to run away from everyone i know and start a new life, just by myself. i wouldnt tell anybody that i did such a thing; it'd be nice. but i couldnt possibly. i'd hurt people, supposedly, and it'd be very difficult to even start a brand new life. sigh, i just prefer not to have people anymore. i'm always getting hurt one way or the other, sometimes even left. it's frightening. i may be a bit over exaggerating, but that's exactly how i feel. i dont expect anyone to pity me or sympathize with me or even understand; i'm just simply expressing myself. so ivonne tells me that jenny ho has been spending a lot of time with alex and communicating a lot with him also. oh well. life is full of surprises, i just have to embrace them. he's been missing from school for over a week and i've been worried about him, but now i know where he is. i shouldnt feel hurt or anything, but i do. i'm really hurt. i wanna cry, but i'd ask myself why and it's not worth it. so what if he's "dating" jenny again? so what if everything i've done for him doesnt matter? so what if he's willing to be hurt by her again? so what if all my time was a complete waste? so what if i'm hurt? so what. whatever, life goes on. yeah, i have myco by my side, but we argue every single day and we're complete bitches to each other. the littlest things break us and it's fucking frustrating. i try to cherish every moment, but sometimes the pain is overbearing. godd. sometimes i feel like nobody cares. do i even care? i dont even care about my goddamn self, so why should anybody else? i dont know why i bother getting attached to people. its either they hurt me, or i hurt them. whats the point? i have so much homework and i am arguing with myco. goodbye.
i have a lot of shit and homework to do, but here i am typing on my vox once again. i havent updated this shit in a while. matthew ham is coming down tomorrow, woot haha. i held in a lot of tears today. myco hates it when i cry, and i bet a lot of other people hate it when i cry too; so then i held in every tear i had today and i am ready to burst. i need a friend here next to me so that i can cry on their shoulder. i try to stand on my very own two feet, but i'll admit it: i am weak. maybe not weak, but i need people. even though i try to push some away or shut them out, i need them. they're my life. i have nothing else. i have prom coming up and i despise it. i have money issues and i cant pay for that shit, but i dont really have a choice. the way myco asked me was quite cute. i dont wanna describe it all because it was just too darn cute haha. we fight every single day and i am getting tired of it, but i am still here. i give in to him all the time now and i let him be a bitch, but i guess a lot of it is my fault too. i start things, he just provokes it. i'm always doing something wrong, and quite frankly, i'm tired of being a failure. i had therapy today and my mom was in there to do paperwork and when they asked the questions, i couldnt even answer some of them honestly. my mom said a lot of shit and i just wanted to burst into tears, but i couldnt. i shouldnt cry. she was saying nice things, but also said some disappointing things. i wanted to cut off my ears and run out of there. i dont really like telling people what my exact problem is, but i like to talk to people. i just feel like a damn burden sometimes and i will never stop feeling that way. since therapists get paid to listen, i cant burden them and since my vox cant talk back and isnt alive, i cant burden it haha. silly me. its nice that my mom gets a chance to let her feelings out and talk to somebody too, but its my time. sigh, i cant be selfish. i can be selfish at times, but not intentionally. i try to let people be first priority in my life, but thats called being a pushover. although i am aware of it, i choose not to change it. i cant. its impossible. i am who i am and thats not gonna change, no matter how much i want to change. i want to be a sweet kid, the one nobody has a problem with; impossible. i'm okay-ish about who i am though. i fake my happiness all the time, everyday, but i suck at it. i let my emotions, my sensitivity, and people get the best of me. sometimes i hate being stupid. i dont know, i have a lot of feelings and emotions right now, but too much going on. i'll write more later. bye.
