i dont know what to do. i just cant stop. i feel as if my life is falling apart one by one, yet i can pick everything back up easily. there are the hardest complications in life though that make me run a mile or two just to get my life back into shape. hmm, so every friday now is running day at almansor park, woot. haha and joannas beach bash is coming up, yay for her. oh god, what do i do about my problem? my problem of everything. theres just too much to talk about and too much to even think about. he said he's willing to give me one more chance, thing is, he doesnt want to..i think. HE ignores me and HE has left me. he HE HE. goodness gracious.
hahaha a quote from the infamous stranger on myspace LOL. sigh, i always have these little emo moments. its so gay and useless, haha. i am generally a happy kidd, but when i'm alone, its just horrible. i listen to all these sad love songs 24/7 -___-" and i am lonely ;( <--- biggest fear ever. hahaha, dawggg i dont know what to do to cure myself! LOL i sound like i'm insane and i needa take some sorta pill, wtf haha. rawr, who's important to me now besides just the basic friends & family? who the fuck knows.
hilarious. its the funniest word in my dictionary to me. when i see or hear the word "life" it just makes me laugh. although "its not enough just to survive; life is precious. you're only allowed to have one." life is pretty okay now but for some reason, things are just rocky. summers ending and school is starting; what shall i do? LOL; who knows what the junior year has in store for me.
now i'm sure. i got the "go" signal. i'm sure its over. and it hurts. i dont know what to do anymore. i'm really..clueless.
sigh, i dont know what to do anymore. i mean, i`m not sure of ANYTHiNG but i do miss myco. whenever we're together, everythings so perfect. when we're apart and talking though, we're so horrible. we argue and blame things on each other and everything, it reminds me of why we broke up in the first place! i dont know though, the fact that he broke up with me makes me wonder if our love is strong enough to handle this shit again. for gods sake, he doesnt even trust me anymore. then there's peter. peter chia is a very nice boy, except me & him just dont click. we dont act like we're dating or even like each other. he doesnt treat me like a girl he's dating and i`ve heard "stuff" about him and he talks to an awful lot of girls. he told me he trusts me, oh no, he does? i dont trust him or even like him enough to date or anything! its the fact that we dont act like we even like each other or anything, we dont even consider each other in anything. fuck eh, its just not right. he's a very cool boy though and myco is just awesome. but there are things wrong with everyone! things i cant even take in. and i feel so lonely these days. agh i dont know! ABOUT ANYTHING! wtfawk.
whatta dumbbitch. drop it? how can you expect me to do something so hard easily? wtf, you're stupid. i miss you so much and ugh! i`m giving you time to be able to be my friend, but to cut me off? -____-" and i`m 11 on your top! haha sounds stupid, but still! you're still three on mine! hmm, seems like you just wanna erase everything. i dont want to. i dont wanna move on. i like being stuck on you, i do i do =/ sigh and i`m not moving onto any other guy =T you make me so angry, angry enough to kill you but not angry enough to not love you anymore =/ ugh life goes on.
advice: dont be alone with your thoughts.
thank you for that advice. so we're totally finished and just friends and honestly, i hate it. its totally not the same anymore. i hate when things change like this, they change with such a BiG difference. it makes such a big deal in my life. i mean, i always say life goes on but right now, it feels like life just stopped in its tracks. i screw up so much hahaha well i know for sure its best this way because if we were together and he's dying from the pain, its not so easy to get over and it hurts me knowing that i did something so horrible on my on act, but if we're friends, he has such an easy chance to get over the pain of a break up and this time it was all my fault. he`ll get over this easily, hopefully. i want him to be happy and get over me. if he's over me, then its all good. what good is it if he's stuck on me? it hurts though, that i love him and i cant be with him. life is funny that way haha. its okay though, hopefully other things will get my mind off this UNBEARABLE PAIN. this missed love left an empty space big enough for a new unbearable pain. ahaha but whatever, i`ll deal with it. what hurts alot though is that i pushed him to a point where i`d never ever thought he`d get to, breaking up with me. and it was ME, me who pushed him there. what more can i do but to live with it? who says i can even live without him? he was so much to me, my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my other half, my one&only.
is it really over? wow, he dumped me..he dumped me and on july fourth too. i didnt know i made him so angry all the time and so hurt all the time. i really love him and now he's not mine anymore, he belongs to the world. who's gonna be there for me at 3 am when i`m scared of monsters? who's gonna give me hugs and kisses that mean the world to me? who's gonna give me that warm smile that brightens up my day? who's gonna tell me "i love you" and give me butterflies? sigh, who's gonna be my myco? no one can now =/ i miss him so much and trying to be friends with him just hurts because it's just not the same anymore, just not the same. even if we got back together, how do i ever trust any of his words now? but i really do wanna give our relationship a second chance and if it still doesnt work out, i`ll get the idea. it's just, no one's ever loved me as much as he does and the way he does. yea we're always in trouble with our relationship, but i always had hope for us but he didnt =/ he got tired of my crap and i have to respect and accept that. i`ll have to accept that. we're only gonna be friends now, only friends =/. i have so much hurt in me, i cant even THiNK about it, i cant even express it. i hold in all my tears so i`ll be used to smiling about everything. i miss you.
sighh, sometimes it makes me wonder. how does he feel about me somtimes? is our relationship going down the drain? it shouldnt be, right? sometimes i think if our relationship is worth all the drama, but then i look back on all our little special moments and the answer is yes, yes it's worth it. many people say its not, but they dont know how i feel. yes, i`ll admit, i feel like shit sometimes because of him, but hey, its worth it. i know we have our problems, but i feel like my life wouldnt be complete without him in it. i can say that at times, i feel like we just dont b e l o n g with each other, but i can truly say i cannot break it off because its just too hard. but sometimes, i miss him.
does it make you think that you're doing everything wrong? like i mean totally everything. does it make you think about how you feel about one thing & another sometimes? does it make you think that life is good but then all of a sudden bad? who knows? everyone knows something, don't they? does it make you think that life has nothing to offer you, yet, it has everything to offer you? does it make you think that you know what's going on but then you trip down all confused? does it make you think that you're falling onto a cloud of joy but you fall through & into a whirlpool of disdain? does it make you think that love is the e x a c t o p p o s i t e of hate, but yet, it's exactly the same? does it make you think that you don't know how to count time when time is just p a s s i n g b y ever so rapidly? does it make you think about everything, everything that seems so sure to you, but then just isn't anymore? does it? does it..?
