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please, listen to me. no, nevermind, just fuck it. you dont fucking listen. who am i to you? i thought i was your goddamn girlfriend, so why dont you listen to me? IT WAS ALL NOTHING. FUCK MY FUCKING VOX WORDS! omg, i wanna break down and cry. i wanna be pathetic all over again. why? why the FUCK did he have to read my vox? now we're stuck in this horrible and painful position. he doesnt understand, he doesnt know. i love him so much. being with him erases and changes everything from my past. he's so scared that he'll become nothing, just like myco did. BUT DONT YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE DIFFERENT? he was the worst boyfriend i've ever had and the worst i could ever have. i never regretted other shit for my other exes and my other exes dont mean nothing to me, only myco. ONLY MYCO. now he feels "stupid for not knowing [my] background." its so stupid. he doesnt wanna assume things with us, in case it gets him into trouble. fuck man. whats the point in being with me if you cant even hope for the best? myco is shit. thats that. THATS FUCKING IT. i felt "loving" feelings for him before, and i did for my other exes, but i regret MYCO's because i was stupid and manipulated and controlled and hurt. i love you & only you. you're so special. i may have said things about him before, but i take it all back because you mean so much more. forget it. did you think you'd never get with a girl who had a history? just shoot me. please. 

and that's how it goes. we think so differently, but that's good right? it spices things up a bit. sometimes i wonder though; i wonder if he can understand how i feel or think about things. does he think my feelings are stupid sometimes? or maybe just meaningless. i dont know, but i love him nonetheless. i've never been happier with a guy in my entire life. shit, i've never been happier period. well, in elementary school, i was pretty happy lol. however, i'm deadly afraid that he might give up on me or not be able to put up with me anymore and just leave me and break not only my heart, but also my world into pieces. what happens if my world breaks and i can't fix it? then i'd cry for an eternity. maybe i'm going a bit overboard, but i'm very dependent, not needy, just dependent. i dont obsessively and constantly need him, but there are certain times where i need him there no matter what. i'm very demanding. will that push him away? i dont wanna push him away. before myco and i broke up, i never thought i'd find somebody to put up with me and i still dont think i ever will. myco didnt even put up with me, he was just there to hurt and break me. thank you alan for picking up the pieces and being my glue <3 but i still dont think i'll ever find anyone that'll put up with me and actually stay with me. alan's there, and puts up with alot, but there's a limit. there's always a limit and i'll eventually push him over the edge. i just screw up so much, so much. he gets irritated with a lot of things, and it's not his fault; i cause all the problems and shit we have. how do i stop? i'm always going to be like this and i cant change. why did he have to fall in love with such a dumbass? his heart's going to break because he fell in love with a stupid person. i'm the type of person that needs time, patience, and love. i absolutely, positively need it. i fell in love with someone so spectacular, and knowing me, i'll somehow just mess it up and hurt both me and him. i wont mess it up on purpose, but i'll still mess it up. we get into little arguments and we both get so butthurt and irritated over so much and i just dont know how to handle it. i've had my share of daters and boyfriends, but damn it, i feel so new at this; as if i've never dated before. he makes me feel so wonderful and i feel as if he's my first boyfriend. i know it sounds bad to be 'new' at a relationship, but its like everything started over. i can start fresh with an amazing guy and start myself over. there's been a lot of trouble and pain for me and it's changed who i am, but now i am starting all over again. i can be happy and there's hope that i'll become stronger than my weak self. despite all of this, i'm still me. i'll still always screw up, cry, be sensitive, etcetera; it just won't go away. like i said in the beginning, alan and i think differently, but we are also two different people. we dont have much in common and we dont act similar. he's so strong and outspoken and independent, whereas i'm weak and scared and dependent. we balance each other out, but i'm scared that i'm going to bring him down. omg, speaking of which, i'm also so frightened that his friends and family will think that i am a bad influence on him. there's a big, possible chance that they might think that he's 'whipped' and does whatever i say, but that's not true. he does whatever he wants, and he does things out of love for me. but they dont know that, no they dont. shit, i made bad first impressions on every one of them too. ugh, fuck me. i am overthinking on things. why? damn it, i need to calm down, but i cant. i cant help any of this. i feel so trapped within my own emotions and flaws and fears. somebody, please please rescue me. help me, just help. god, just pick me up and carry me out of here. tears are pouring down and the walls are closing in. tight spaces and dark decor. i'm stuck here. lost. fuck it, i'm screwed. there's nowhere i can go to now. but there is somebody. i thank the lord that alan karlan lau came into my life. it might be too soon, but he's my everything. i need him. when i look back, i dont know what the hell i'd do without him. he helps me in everything and supports me and cheers me up and loves me, he loves me. he makes me a stronger person. yeah, i also do have my bestfriend joanna hang, but she knows how much she means to me and i'd hate to lose her too. the two most important people in my life are also my saviors. but damn, alan. i'd do anything for him. handcuff and blindfold me, i'd walk into a strange area just to find my way to him, as long as he's there for me to run to. we've already been through a lot of shit, but i'd go through more just for him. for once in my life, i feel as if there's somebody who really cares about me (in an intimate way) and i can really trust everything he says. when he says that i mean the world to him, i believe him. when he says that he needs me, i believe him. when he says that he'll try his best to put up with everything we go through, i believe him. when he says that he loves me, i really believe him. i've never felt so sure in my life. i know i say shit like this, but seriously, i'm so sure. the feelings are  just so damn strong. all my friends even say that i am happier and different, in a way. sometimes, though, i feel that any moment, i could be dropped, just like that. its weird. i know for sure in my heart that he'll stick around for as long as possible, but something tells me that all of this could be taken away or destroyed at any minute. that's what i fear most. to be disappointed or devastatingly hurt  is one of the worst pains i could ever endure, if i could even endure through it. i've already been through so much, i dont want to experience it all over again, but this time, it'd be ten times as worse. dont run away, please. i need somebody to deal with all of me. prove to me that it's possible and that love isnt just a dream, but instead, as real as the flesh on my motherfucking bones. just tell me it's okay, or at least it will be.

hello my darling vox. its been a while, and thats a good thing. it means i've been happy, and guess what? i still am. thank you friends & boyfriend. so what is my reason for stopping by this time? there's something bugging me, i just dont know what it is. that's absolutely absurd. i feel as if there's a need to stop by and review and meditate over myself and my life. lets start with my friends. i adore them, love them, need them. so why am i keeping this huge secret all to myself? well, bobo knows too, but the rest dont. it's tearing me apart. my friends are the best and they're always watching out for me, but i disappoint them secretly (in a way they dont know about) and pretend to be this good girl. if they ever found out, oh boy, am i in trouble. my mind is wandering around looking for solutions or ways to tell them or ways to avoid telling them. it hurts me to know that i could keep things like this from my friends; my friends. it's horrid, completely horrid. i cant take this madness. its like a whirlwind in my stomach and a stabbing pain in my heart. maybe it's not that big a deal, but i have this aching need to let them know. do they even need to know? god, get the fuck over it jenn; yeah, that's what i'll keep telling myself. moving on, school. i have easy classes, i'll admit it, but yet, senioritis is kicking in and i just keep slacking off. i have the chance, the opportunity, to do good and make my parents proud, but i dont take it. instead, i complain about grades that i have a chance to change. yup, that's me, complaining about something that i have control over. it's stressing me out though; combining school and work. sure, i dont work as much as before, but it makes me very tired, sometimes too tired to do homework or even talk to my baby boy on the phone. it also gets me even more easily irritated with my family. family, speaking of so, they are irritating (like i aforementioned). they do care about me and look out for me, but i take things the wrong way and act like a total bitch. how can i change this? how can i change my attitude towards my loving family? sometimes, though, they take advantage of me and i really dislike that. i'm not somebody to be taken advantage of. i am a human being with fucking feelings and a real heart. sigh, here i go, being all  aggravated and whatnot. i need to take a hold of myself, a hold of my life. get a grip. and last but not least, my boyfriend. alan karlan lau, the love of my fucking life, or is that a bit much? perhaps. his birthday is coming up and i am planning every little detail out, and dont get me wrong, i LOVE it, but i dont want anything to go wrong or for him not to appreciate it because maybe it wont be that great or amazing to him. i am putting a lot of heart and effort and money into this, and i rarely do that. i love him so much and he makes me so happy. i dont even know how to describe it. sometimes when somebody asks me, "how are you and your boyfriend?", i just wanna open up my chest, take my heart out, and show them, just show them, how i feel because words simply cannot express it enough. just cut my heart up and examine my feelings, my love, my adoration for this one boy. how could ONE boy make me feel this way? i have so many friends, and i've had many guys in my past, yet not one of them could make me feel the way alan makes me feel now. its unbelievable, indescribable. there's many worries though. how does he feel? does he feel the same way? what does he see in the future for us? if he knew all of this, would it scare him away? does he think i'm always screwing up? can he handle putting up with me? what's going to happen? will he be there for me? and many others. yes, he is always there for me and comforts me and reassures me, but i cant help but be skeptical. he's waited three years until i came along to have a girlfriend. why? he's so sweet, so cute, and absolutely wonderful. so why hasnt some other girl snatched him up before i did? why did i have to be the one to fall in love, head over heels, with such an amazing boy? i feel as if i'm not good enough. i'm so complicated, yet so simple. i cause so much drama, unintentionally, but sometimes i want drama so that i can see how things would end up (would he still love me?), but i have never caused drama on purpose. i just think about it. i'm scared. its too good to be true sometimes. i dont want to rely on him for everything and then one day, he leaves. next thing you know, i fall apart into pieces, pieces broken to the point where there's no way to fix it. fuck. i need to shut up, stop crying, and just accept things. but i cant. i never will. there's just too many thoughts. gimme a break, it's me. life is always gonna be this way.

here i come, i'm back to blogging. work, school, church, friends, boyfriend, family, it's all stressing me out. who am i to run to when i feel like i'm about to fall down a bottomless pit? i have alan. for some odd reason, when we're not together, it's as if i dont matter to him sometimes or we're just kind of dead-ish. when we talk online, the conversations are dead and useless. on the phone, we talk until we get sleepy. but when we're around each other, that's when the real feelings come into play. we're stuck on each other and we just cant let go. i feel like never letting him go whenever he's with me. he's always by my side, always there for me. he just makes me incredibly happy, even if he does check out other girls -___-" dumbbitch lol. i'm head over heels for him and almost in love, but thats just too far. we've only been together for like a little bit more than week, but it feels like we've been together forever. i never thought i'd date such a decent and sweet gentleman. he's my favorite boy so far <3 he's not a jackass like all the other ones, but then again, i was, as joanna said, a heartbreaker. so maybe i was the jackass, but i dont know. alan puts up with alot of my shit and makes me feel really safe and secure, as if he'd always be there no matter what. he's my protection and my joy. but, i'm scared. i dont wanna get attached then hurt to the point where there'd be no end. but, the risk is worth it. i dont know, finish this tomorrow. i have physio to do. peace.

so i'm back. joanna says i am actually whipped, my first time ever. me? whipped over the guy? like this? it's absurd. i cant believe it. is it a bad thing though? i mean, it might be a bad thing to him because then he'll be like "fuckkk, this girl wants my nuts." but idk. i really do like him, but i feel so lost. i never know if what i am doing is right or good enough. i dont know how much i mean to him and i dont know how he feels about me. does he even care? sure he does, but how much? i put myself down alot so that i dont have to deal with shit, but in the end, i bring more drama upon myself. by worrying myself, i hinder the progress of alan and i. when he gets mad, i get scared. i dont know him well enough to know what to do. i dont know how to fix things. i feel completely useless and unimportant. i feel as if i dont matter, but he tells me that he cares about me and that he likes me alot. but he never told me how much he needed me in his life, if he even does. he tells me alot of nice and cute things, but it's all surface things. i want him to get deep and share something with me that'd make us stronger, but we're stuck in a phase where it's just happiness or shallow pre-love. we like each other, but it doesnt mean we connect to the extent where we could hold hands and never let go. although, when we're in person, oh my goodness, it's perfect. we're happy to a never-ending point. maybe i'm just used to having the relationship i had with myco. i'm a nub at this dating thing now. i dont know how to slowly reel him in and slowly get attached. i feel the need to be very, very close and etcetera because i am so used to it. i need to take an ultra chill pill and take this thing slow. it's just hard, i dont know how to anymore. i really do like him and he means alot to me. he's there for me and he makes me feel unbelievable. i get speechless, maybe not butterflies often, but speechless and a burst of joy hiding underneath my goofy exterior. i'm gonna try my hardest to make this relationship work better than the last. this really means alot to me. i need to be a better girlfriend, but he has to work at it too. i dont always wanna be the one who puts the effort in a TWO-way relationship. he told me he doesnt initiate the "work-it-out" process though. if there's shit between us, i have to initiate the working-out part, and he'll work out the problem with me. he's willing to fix things and be there, but he just wont start it. it's just not him, he says. as long as he is willing to fix things right? idk, i need to take a chEeeeeel pill. he does make me smile and laugh and very, very happy though. i havent been really happy in a long while. it feels nice. he's a keeper, i just have to hold on tight.

next story, i feel sorry for myco. he seems weak and pathetic without me. he's doing drugs and smoking. he's stupid. grow up and get over it. you're a man for goodness sakes, dont be texting me and shit for god knows what. its time i stand up for myself even if it means being a bitch. i feel as if i abandoned him and i'm sorry, but we just wont work out. we both fucked up, but i'm happier now, honestly. i dont feel as complete, but i feel happier. i wont feel that "complete" feeling until alan and i progress, so i'll just have to wait. i'm willing to wait for a boy who's worth it <3

here it is, that one entry where i am in complete bliss. so, here's the lowdown: friday, august 29, 2008. angele's crest. alan karlan lau, and friends. took a day off. first time experience. arrived 8:30 pm. home by 1:30 am. smiles and happy faces. dancing. lights. emotions..."will you be my girlfriend?". what a beautiful night.

summer of 2008; a very awkward summer. i think this has been my most awkward summer yet. i barely, and i mean BARELY, saw my best friend joanna hang. honestly, i missed her. i missed all the stupid days we had laying around going, "eh, lets go out" or "lets go to pingo's. i'm bored at home" but she hangs out with jeffrey and them often and i'm always at work. but when i am not at work, nobody bothers to hang out with me except for alan and david tang. it hurts, but thats okay. winnie and ivonne and bao vy made efforts to hang out with me though, and it made me feel good to know that somebody cares. sometimes i wish that things would go back to normal, but we're all growing up, so what can we do about it? nothing. i'm pretty happy with the relationship part of my life. alan is a very, very good boy lol. he makes me smile all the time, but i dont wanna get hurt again. fear holds me back, but it wont hold me back for long (especially knowing me). i always move on; is that bad? i have one more week of summer left. can somebody please just make me feel loved? alan sucks at it hahaha. everything in my life is pretty decent and i should be content, but i'm not. i wanna do something outrageous to make up for my whole summer. or maybe i should just be happy with everything and stop complaining. haha yeah right. poor jenzilla. i'll finish this tomorrow. okay, so i am going to finish my entry. lately, i've been just carefree and a bit angrier at things, but i am pretty happy. i am hiding something though. i've been trying to deny something and crush it so that it doesnt even exist in my life, but it's impossible because it keeps coming back. i miss myco, or at least how we used to be. he was a complete jackass and i was a bitch, but we loved each other and when he dumped me, i was angry and wanted to stay angry at him. i wanted him to hate me and lose all his feelings for me and i wanted the same. yet, i am sitting here talking about him. i've been trying not to think about him and whenever i do think about him, i change the subject in my head to something stupid like what i'm gonna wear the next day or what i'm gonna do for the time being. it's horrid because now it really dwells on me that he still means something to me. its unfair because when we're together, we hurt each other, and when we're apart, it's the exact same thing. nothing ever gets better and it'll always be a lose-lose situation when it comes to me and him. but we had something, a history and a love so crazy that it'll always remain with me no matter what i do. i'm stupider now. ever since we broke up, i'm not the same person. i'm trying to change myself, and it's not for the best. i'm not the same silly goose i was before. my coworker ivan even said, "jenn, you're not the same nice cute girl you were before baby." yeah, he calls me baby, but he's a fob so it's okay. he said i am meaner and more independent. it's true, i'm meaner and more independent. although i had so many flaws before, i have even more now. i have road rage, i get irritated easily, i stand up for myself in a very abrupt way, i try to eliminate my caring emotions for others, and i am just not myself anymore. i'm so scared of getting hurt and stepped on like before that i push others away, like alan. oh boy, he even mentioned that he's trying to get closer, whereas i am distancing myself from him. it hurt me to hear him say that. i dont mean to distance myself from him, but do i need more pain and heartbreak in my life? more haunting emotions? i'm not exactly stuck in fear, but i am also suspicious and skeptical about everything. what if i not only get hurt, but i get screwed over? or i get embarrassed or worse? what if things dont turn out the way i want them to? sigh, i ask stupid questions, but i ask them nonetheless. so like, i am trying to quit my bad habit. it's a good thing alan & joanna are trying to get me to stop. it's so unattractive for a girl to have that habit. sometimes i feel so lost and lonely. i have friends, but where are they when i really need them? and alan and i are good, but there's just something missing. whats missing? a connection. i cant force a connection to appear, but i can certainly try. there's just so much tiny shit that bothers me; lets destroy it. life is life, and i cant quit now. i've got to keep running this race that just keeps on going. when i get to that finish line, i'll feel so accomplished, i hope.

i just realized that my vox page is bright and colorful, but the information within it is dark. should i change my layout? it's contradicting itself haha. anyways, lately i've been feeling pretty okay. except for him. myco just haunts me and it makes me feel horrible. he cussed me out, threw my birthday gift on the driveway, and texted me 35 times saying "i was right about you, slut." lord oh lord, i'm being haunted. and quite frankly, i think it's my fault. i didnt wanna hurt you, but you hurt me too. what am i supposed to do? you'd never learn if i kept going back. we'd just hurt each other even more. sigh, my life is okay though, but i'm not quite satisfied. there's something missing and i think it's my best friend. i mean, i'm so used to having her around or talking to her all the time and now i dont have either. i try to make an effort to hang out with her, but there's always these complications. i am supposed to see her on tuesday, but who knows. she might cancel on me or i might get in a car accident or some stupid shit. lol god forbid i get into a car accident though. honestly, it's okay to be distant from all of my other friends, just not joanna. she's supposed to be my rolldawg and my best friend. now, my best friend is myself and the person i talk to the most is alan. how pathetic right? i feel like a piece of me is missing now that she's not there anymore. technically, she is there, just kinda not. i am getting all dramatic and it's so stupid, but its how i feel and i cant change that. why am i even letting this get to me? ugh. so like, i spent a day with ivonne and it was nice. i havent hung out with her in a while and it was relaxing to get out and just kick it with one of my girl friends. i miss all of them. i had a nice time hanging with winnie too, even though it was short. i just really miss all of them. i miss sheree, jany, ivonne, winnie, bao vy, and joanna. i sound gay, but i hate my summer without them. when i look back on my last high school summer, all i'm gonna remember is working and all the bad things that happened to me. i cant seem to remember any good things happening to me except for alan. it's quite horrendous. i hate this freaking summer. i know, stop complaining because i chose to work, but i need to work to help my family out. i have like thirty bucks in my wallet because i always give money to my mom. i just wish that i could spend one day, just one day, with my girl friends. fuck the world. and charlie borrowed fifty dollars from me and i was gonna use that fifty to pay joanna and jeffrey back. he better pay me back. he had the stupidest reason too, but i couldnt say no. i need somebody to talk to about all my problems. i dont know why i dont talk to alan; for some reason, i just talk about the stupid minor things with him. i need to get deep. i'm supposedly happy, but there's something digging inside of me, like always. i am going to a meteor shower with alan and his friends tomorrow. i was so hyped, but now i am just feel like it's gonna be a waste of my time. why? i dont fucking know. he met all of my sisters and my parents and mharth. alan is so charming. everyone loved him, but jenny had to say something stupid, "i liked myco better." wth is that? screw up my relationship why dont you. omg, i just realized that i kept my promise to myself for this summer. i said i was gonna isolate myself from my friends, and i did. now i feel horrible. okay, i learned from my mistake, now please rescue me. i didnt realized i'd miss them so much. well, i kinda did. i always miss people and now i feel like shit. i just had to somehow keep my own promise. stupid job. okay, so now i kinda drive. it's useless, i have nobody to go out with. and alan drives. this is typical of me. complaining about shit that i brought upon myself. i'm sorry, please forgive me. i feel as if i've been drained of all emotions or of some type of happiness. something is hovering above me waiting to suck up any happiness that comes upon me. all my smiles are quickly torn off my pretty face as my laughter is fading into the distance. i'm back into the phase of reading. every summer, i end up reading someway, somehow. reading is a sign of very, very depressing feelings within myself. i dont like my life, so i read about another's. it's similar to jdrama. not enough drama in my life, so i watch another's. i vow to be satisfied and utterly happy with my life one day. that day will come, even if it does end the next day. i just need one day. i need one day to gather up the broken pieces of my life, find my friends, and just seize the day. on that day, i'm going to smile nonstop until my jaw falls off. lol what a funny image. everywhere i turn, i see some type of danger. i'm lost in my own emotions. the danger is that it's trying to drown me until i do something about it. tough love.

okay, quick & easy, he broke up with me. it was a long day, and it ended horribly. we were in a fight for two days (since wednesday, july 31) and we didnt talk to each other. then friday night finally came and he was training at my workplace so that he could get a future position there. shit, brb. i have work. okay, so i'm back and i'm here to continue this entry. well, he got mad and jealous alot over a bunch of different things and when he clocked out, he walked past me and uttered the words, "well, consider yourself single now." and i chased after him, but he wouldnt stop and he drove off. that's when i felt my tears coming up and i walked sadly back to the restaurant. i cried hysterically in the kitchen and i hate it when i cry; i always look so ugly. so i went to bed around 2 or 3 something and i was on the phone with alan. damn, i felt like shit. then myco called but hung up, so i called back. no answer. then i got about five or six text messages from him. this is the whole message altogether: "nah its cool go back to whatever guy, co-worker, black guy or anyone you were talking to. and you owe simon $22 and nhat $10.50. you are the stupidest bitch i know, thanks for getting me a job though thanks for getting me a job so i can see what you truly are. you're mom's right, myco would only leave you if you do some horrible shit. i hope you have fun at work cause thats all you're ever gonna do, have fun flirting with fob guys and being hit on by customers and flirting right back at them oh and flirting with those black guys too, no wonder you love being outside on your breaks you dumb ass broad. ugh, i'm so sick of you. you're always what you are, and things never change. bye." and keep in mind that i never replied once, but he kept on going. the messages may be confusing, but in conclusion, he dumped me. and the black guys were the bouncers who are like twice my age. damn, he has horrible grammar. i couldnt stop crying. those were the last words i got from him. it hasnt fully hit me (not yet at least) that he's left me and i wont have my teddy bear there for me anymore. old habits are hard to get rid of and i'm just so used to having him around. i'm trying to be different this time. instead of going back to him and apologizing and trying to get back with him, i am taking a stand. one thing is, i never knew taking a stand would hurt so much. when it does hit me that he's left, it's gonna hurt like a bitch and i'm gonna hate life so much. until then, i'll just suffer ever so slowly. to know that i hurt him, it hurts me more. although he's the one who dumped me, it was my fault. i caused all of this and nobody can tell me otherwise. he may have a short temper and get jealous easily, but i should know my limits and i should know what to do and what not to do. i should've considered his feelings and known what i was in for when i talked to guys. thing is, he took it way hard and ended it for the wrong reasons. dont dump me because i flirt, but do it because you cant stand me anymore or because you've lost all your love for me. just be patient. i've done so much for you already, why couldnt you have just accepted it? i'm a friendly person, and i guess flirty at times. its who i am. i also love to party and i love to hang out with my friends late at night, but i havent done shit because i know it'd hurt you. i mean, i could go out late after work, but i dont do it often because i want you to be happy. i dont get mad at you for doing any of the things you do, why couldnt you just have accepted me? i'm sorry that it had to turn out this way, but god knows we both tried and we always end up in the same place. i just wish that this time, it would've been different. baby, you mean so much to me and you bring joy into my life, but things happen and that joy begins to fade, and eventually, just disappear. i still miss you. i wish pain didnt hurt so much, but then again, it wouldnt be called pain. fuck. so i got my stupid driver's license and i got my insurance. legally, i can drive on my own, but i dont want to. i've lost all will to do anything that means something to me. today at work was the first time i screwed up. everyone screwed up at least once and i didnt. except for today. i was so lost and hurt that i cut myself (accidentally) twice and i hurt my elbow and broke a glass cup. what the hell is wrong with me? everyone said i looked tired and sad. they asked me where was my pretty smile. it just wasnt a regular day. for a couple of hours, i had extreme OCD and i was just hypnotized with organizing things. absolutely consumed. everytime something like this happens, i become an emotionless drama queen. thank goodness it's summer and nobody (my friends) is around to witness all of this. i'll deal with this alone because it's my problem and because this has happened one too many times for others to take it seriously. one, two, three, i see me, and me alone.

its all about love, trust, & respect; or so i hear it is. in my relationship, none of them exist except for love. can a relationship strive on nothing but love? i thought 'love' was supposed to come with trust and respect. if you really love them, you'd trust and respect them, right? so i say that i cant leave him because he has my past, but my past is my past, so i should leave it behind. except, everyday, i look back on the past because it was once the present. everyday passes by and becomes your past, so technically your future will become your past too. "worry about the future jenn" but it'll just be my past in the end. the present will also be a thing of the past. some say to forget about the past, but it made you into who you are. count how many times i said the word 'past'. see? it's a big part of my present life. forget it, should i just live with it? as long as he's happy i guess. all my stupid vox entries would be the perfect question papers for ms. burkhart lol. i just realized that. hmm, i cant just look away and pretend as if nothing happened. what if i act all dramatic again and say that i only want myco and nobody and nothing else? or will i be smarter this time and think about all the pain we have caused to each other? if we do break up, i want somebody to hold me down firmly and not let me cry and break my way through the hold and go running back to him. i'm not the bitch, and i wont continue to be. i was always the dominant one in all my other relationships, and now i'm on a leash. karma. but it makes more sense for the girl to hold the leash because the guy looks like a complete jackass holding the leash. seriously though, if we do break up, i pray to god that i have just one friend who yells at me, screams at me, slaps me, and knocks some sense into me; as long as they hold me back from being a dumb bitch. at least i have experience and i can learn from this when i am older. joanna says i put on a front, and so does everybody else. is that bad or good? my feelings are just too sensitive to be expressed to people. what if they think i'm dumb? or they think i'm just being silly? i cry because of this bullshit, what if they laugh at it? sigh. i was on the phone with alan yesterday night and it's funny because usually when i am on the phone with a guy i just kinda met for four hours, i tend to get feelings, but i have none for him. or do i? there's something there, and its making me feel all tingly. i'm somewhat emotionally dead and all i can think about is myco. my biggest worry and my biggest comfort. damn, this is gonna be a short entry because i have work soon. i gotta get ready. maybe i'll return to lengthen my entry. peace.

days go by and it's all the same; sleep, eat, & work. i've heard that some would see this as security, but others see it as being in a rut. my boyfriend, the "love of my life", is now just a guy that exists in my life. i am starting to see him as more of a friend than a boyfriend. sometimes i'm so head over heels for him and at other times i'm just bored out of my head. he's there for me to make me smile, but so are my friends. i want him to find a girl who he doesnt get mad at everyday and who would love him more than i ever could in a lifetime. i'm 17, i'm not ready to be tied down. asdf, stop complaining jenn. i've lost all will to "live, laugh, and love". fuck itt. i feel as if i've lost a bestfriend, but i havent, she's still there. in fact, i feel like i've lost all my friends. i never see them or talk to them and i dont know if they'd still be there for me if i needed them. i miss them so much, i even cried. i want my friends back. the only person i see is myco and there is only so much i can take of arguing with him. yesterday night, i stood up to him and he ended up hanging up on me. i felt like shit, but at the same time, i felt liberated. who says i cant be independent? i do a lot on my own, and the things that i cant do, i'll just learn how to. i dont need somebody around to tell me how to do things or what to do, forget that. but he's more than just somebody i depend on; emotions are involved here. if i try to pursue my own happiness, does that make me selfish? for the longest time, i've been trying to make him happy, but if i stop now and hurt both him and me, am i being completely stupid? breaking up with myco is like breaking up with joanna, it's almost impossible. he's been a part of my life for so long that it's gonna be so hard and heartbreaking. but i cant be with him anymore. simple as that. but i cant hurt him. long term relationships? beautiful, if it lasts. one thing, i want to be lost in love and surrounded in spontaneity. i love myco, seriously. i mean, it's wonderful to love someone who loves you back. who wouldnt want that? but to be in a relationship where nothing goes right, thats where it can get tiring. for the past couple of days, every time i  think of myco, i have this feeling somebody is in the back of my head and so i look back. is it alan, johnny's friend? no, he's just cute. is it ivan, the fob at my workplace? no, he's got a girlfriend. is it jeffrey evan louie? no, too good a friend. so who is it? it's alex zheng. i ran them through my mind and my heart thumped when it got to alex zheng. he's the one making that feeling of thinking about somebody else run through my veins and body. oh curse him. fuck the bitch hmm? i dont need anymore boys involved in my life. i'm good for now. i just have to figure out this myco situation and i'll be okay. i just dont need anymore boys, i feel sort of independent now. i got my drivers license, i work and pay for things, i help my family out, and i'm seventeen now. i'm okay, i'll get by. but one day, i want complete happiness for me and everyone around me. oh goodness, i feel engorged in, well actually, nothing. there's nothing there. thats what i'm engorged in. there's only emptiness and i know pain is lurking around here somewhere waiting to attack at my most vulnerable and weakest moment. leave me alone, please.

as for my friends, i've only given you an overview. i'm spinning around in the dark grabbing at each one of them one by one but they dont even know i'm there. as soon as i grab ahold of them, they shake me off their arm as if i was just something they got caught in. it's a horrid feeling. if i'm not with myco, then i'm alone, everyday. sure, some nights i just go out with some people, but it's meaningless becuase i'm just a last minute plan, considering i cant go out till after ten. but my mom said i had a choice to make. it was either make money to do things and buy things and help my family, or go out with my gorgeous "loving" friends with no money. haha, fuck you. i dont know. AJKSDFKA! i want to hang out with my friends or at least do something worthwhile. i went to the library and borrowed a couple of novels to read. now i guess i'll be spending some of my summer reading, again. i'm unsatisfied, like usual, and i dont know what to do, also like usual. somebody, just show me the way, show me what to do. i'm trying to be independent, but i still need a little bit of help. just take me away.