you gave me water, but you drank it all.

i have a lot of shit and homework to do, but here i am typing on my vox once again. i havent updated this shit in a while. matthew ham is coming down tomorrow, woot haha. i held in a lot of tears today. myco hates it when i cry, and i bet a lot of other people hate it when i cry too; so then i held in every tear i had today and i am ready to burst. i need a friend here next to me so that i can cry on their shoulder. i try to stand on my very own two feet, but i'll admit it: i am weak. maybe not weak, but i need people. even though i try to push some away or shut them out, i need them. they're my life. i have nothing else. i have prom coming up and i despise it. i have money issues and i cant pay for that shit, but i dont really have a choice. the way myco asked me was quite cute. i dont wanna describe it all because it was just too darn cute haha. we fight every single day and i am getting tired of it, but i am still here. i give in to him all the time now and i let him be a bitch, but i guess a lot of it is my fault too. i start things, he just provokes it. i'm always doing something wrong, and quite frankly, i'm tired of being a failure. i had therapy today and my mom was in there to do paperwork and when they asked the questions, i couldnt even answer some of them honestly. my mom said a lot of shit and i just wanted to burst into tears, but i couldnt. i shouldnt cry. she was saying nice things, but also said some disappointing things. i wanted to cut off my ears and run out of there. i dont really like telling people what my exact problem is, but i like to talk to people. i just feel like a damn burden sometimes and i will never stop feeling that way. since therapists get paid to listen, i cant burden them and since my vox cant talk back and isnt alive, i cant burden it haha. silly me. its nice that my mom gets a chance to let her feelings out and talk to somebody too, but its my time. sigh, i cant be selfish. i can be selfish at times, but not intentionally. i try to let people be first priority in my life, but thats called being a pushover. although i am aware of it, i choose not to change it. i cant. its impossible. i am who i am and thats not gonna change, no matter how much i want to change. i want to be a sweet kid, the one nobody has a problem with; impossible. i'm okay-ish about who i am though. i fake my happiness all the time, everyday, but i suck at it. i let my emotions, my sensitivity, and people get the best of me. sometimes i hate being stupid. i dont know, i have a lot of feelings and emotions right now, but too much going on. i'll write more later. bye.