we'll go away today and forget the rest.

days go by and it's all the same; sleep, eat, & work. i've heard that some would see this as security, but others see it as being in a rut. my boyfriend, the "love of my life", is now just a guy that exists in my life. i am starting to see him as more of a friend than a boyfriend. sometimes i'm so head over heels for him and at other times i'm just bored out of my head. he's there for me to make me smile, but so are my friends. i want him to find a girl who he doesnt get mad at everyday and who would love him more than i ever could in a lifetime. i'm 17, i'm not ready to be tied down. asdf, stop complaining jenn. i've lost all will to "live, laugh, and love". fuck itt. i feel as if i've lost a bestfriend, but i havent, she's still there. in fact, i feel like i've lost all my friends. i never see them or talk to them and i dont know if they'd still be there for me if i needed them. i miss them so much, i even cried. i want my friends back. the only person i see is myco and there is only so much i can take of arguing with him. yesterday night, i stood up to him and he ended up hanging up on me. i felt like shit, but at the same time, i felt liberated. who says i cant be independent? i do a lot on my own, and the things that i cant do, i'll just learn how to. i dont need somebody around to tell me how to do things or what to do, forget that. but he's more than just somebody i depend on; emotions are involved here. if i try to pursue my own happiness, does that make me selfish? for the longest time, i've been trying to make him happy, but if i stop now and hurt both him and me, am i being completely stupid? breaking up with myco is like breaking up with joanna, it's almost impossible. he's been a part of my life for so long that it's gonna be so hard and heartbreaking. but i cant be with him anymore. simple as that. but i cant hurt him. long term relationships? beautiful, if it lasts. one thing, i want to be lost in love and surrounded in spontaneity. i love myco, seriously. i mean, it's wonderful to love someone who loves you back. who wouldnt want that? but to be in a relationship where nothing goes right, thats where it can get tiring. for the past couple of days, every time i  think of myco, i have this feeling somebody is in the back of my head and so i look back. is it alan, johnny's friend? no, he's just cute. is it ivan, the fob at my workplace? no, he's got a girlfriend. is it jeffrey evan louie? no, too good a friend. so who is it? it's alex zheng. i ran them through my mind and my heart thumped when it got to alex zheng. he's the one making that feeling of thinking about somebody else run through my veins and body. oh curse him. fuck the bitch hmm? i dont need anymore boys involved in my life. i'm good for now. i just have to figure out this myco situation and i'll be okay. i just dont need anymore boys, i feel sort of independent now. i got my drivers license, i work and pay for things, i help my family out, and i'm seventeen now. i'm okay, i'll get by. but one day, i want complete happiness for me and everyone around me. oh goodness, i feel engorged in, well actually, nothing. there's nothing there. thats what i'm engorged in. there's only emptiness and i know pain is lurking around here somewhere waiting to attack at my most vulnerable and weakest moment. leave me alone, please.

as for my friends, i've only given you an overview. i'm spinning around in the dark grabbing at each one of them one by one but they dont even know i'm there. as soon as i grab ahold of them, they shake me off their arm as if i was just something they got caught in. it's a horrid feeling. if i'm not with myco, then i'm alone, everyday. sure, some nights i just go out with some people, but it's meaningless becuase i'm just a last minute plan, considering i cant go out till after ten. but my mom said i had a choice to make. it was either make money to do things and buy things and help my family, or go out with my gorgeous "loving" friends with no money. haha, fuck you. i dont know. AJKSDFKA! i want to hang out with my friends or at least do something worthwhile. i went to the library and borrowed a couple of novels to read. now i guess i'll be spending some of my summer reading, again. i'm unsatisfied, like usual, and i dont know what to do, also like usual. somebody, just show me the way, show me what to do. i'm trying to be independent, but i still need a little bit of help. just take me away.