teach me the way to survive.

its day like these; days like these where i wanna break down & cry. but for what? i have nothing to cry for. i dont know, i know i have people there for me, but i just feel so goddamn alone. yesterday was gary's bbq for his birthday and i didnt go. joanna kept telling me how fun it was and showing me all these pictures. i didnt feel like "damn, i shoulda went." but i felt more like "fuck, why cant i be that happy?" i'm happy she had fun and got to go out and be free before she got grounded. i dont get grounded and i can go out, but i dont. its true, i choose not to go out, but i dont choose to be alone. when i go out with these people i call my friends, i feel more alone than as if i was sitting at the park by myself. i get left out because of multiple reasons or i just dont connect as well. i feel stupid for even going along sometimes. i dont know if they understand, but thats how i feel. joanna talks to everybody or they talk to her; i just sit there wondering how i could be a better person. when people talk to me, i'll talk to but they eventually leave and there i am, sitting alone again. people are always leaving me, either temporarily or permanently. i'm used to it now. i'm sitting at home right now just wanting to cry while i write this, but i cant. i have no reason to cry. i have a lot of work to do for my ap group. i have the most work and i have been doing the most work. it hurts my brain, fuck. i still think myco takes me for granted and just doesnt care about me as much as he used to. he will never forgive me, and i'm lost. he makes me really sad, but i am so happy to have him. when he's not here, i feel so empty, but do i feel empty just because i've lost somebody or because he means so much to me? i dont even know. i really care about him & i really love him, but i dont deserve this. what can i do about it though? i'm so weak and pathetic. it's absurd. i'm not an individual who can take care of herself, even if she always says she can. i wish i could sacrifice myself for something greater. prom is coming up; i have to go with myco. i dont wanna ruin his senior year anymore than he already said i have. goodness gracious. i'm seeing a therapist on monday and honestly, i'm really scared. what if they point out things that i've tried to avoid? then my wounds will reopen and will be thus unavoidable. feelings will be exposed and who i am will really shine. i dont wanna know who i am and i dont wanna know how i feel. it'll just make me think, but at least it'll be out there and i can resolve it. joanna's so butthurt over this gary thing and i dont know what to do. i dont talk to her about my problems really. i dont see the point in talking to anybody. i know you feel better after talking to somebody, but its hard to talk to these people. i'm happy people talk to me about their problems though. they make me feel like i can help them, but it sucks how they can talk to me, but i cant talk to them. they just dont understand and they underestimate my feelings. i hope everyone in my life feelings better though. i wanna go out to eat, but i have nobody to go with. myco asked me if i wanted to go, but i dont want to intrude or feel left out with him an his friends. i associate, but i cant with them. they're just kinda weird. i am friends with almost everybody, but people always get the wrong impression of me and it gets to be difficult to hang out. sigh. tuesday is alex's birthday and i still dont know what to get him. i dont think i should have anymore friends or have myco around me. i just bring people down. i always do. like, i flake out on joanna and i get myco frustrated. all i have are problems and i prefer to be by myself, but i wish i always have somebody by my side. i bring people down though. myco was so happy but he found out i didnt wanna go because i didnt wanna go because his friends dont like me and he got all mad. he knew it was true, but got mad because i should've went anyways. yes, i should go with people who dont like me. thats plain stupid. i wanna shut myself out SO bad, but if i do that, i hurt people. but having people around me is a bad thing anyways. i bring them down or fuck up their day or something. oh, i wish i had somebody i could cry to. i dont like crying to joanna because she has her own problems and she cant say anything to me when i'm crying because its kinda weird. what can she say? myco gets mad or frustrated when i cry. so who do i cry to? myself. i cry to myself. fuck. i have a lot of work to do, a lot of thinking to reconsider, and a lot of stress to get rid of.