shut up.

thats the one thing i want to tell everybody, for them to shut up. i know, i screwed up. i always do. i am such a failure; it's disgusting, repulsive even. all i hear from my family is put downs and more put downs, even from my younger siblings and that is pathetic and pitiful. i was going through my little sister's phone (jenny) to text my older sister, but she never replied back. i had stumbled upon jackie's messages and jennys messages to each other because i was deleting the ones i was sending to myco. what i discovered was that they were talking about how stupid i was and how jenny is more responsible than i am; horrible. i'm the older sister, so it's just rueful that she surpasses me in responsibility. i am responsible. how would my older sister know jackshit? she left us. is that responsible? dont think so. they dont know that i may not be as responsible as they think i am, but i take responsibility for all my mistakes. every time my sisters need something, they come running to me. well dont come running to me if you dont respect me, bitches. i am self-aware of my flaws and that helps me to improve myself. its a step up from not being aware. at least i'm not in denial of my flaws which is not even helping; actually, its taking two steps back! i quit; i quit everything. maybe if i wasnt a failure, i'd be better off. i dont wanna be happy anymore, but when i dont laugh or act silly online, people keep asking me if i am okay. i dont want them to see my weak side. if i was a strong person, i wouldnt mind them seeing my weak side; but i am a weak person, so showing my weak side would only enhance my vulnerability. i think thats why i put up a strong cover; i want to show people that i can be strong, when in actuality, i am not. people say they feel joyous & positive when they talk to me, why dont i feel that way? i wanna be positive too. i'm always the one acting and pretending to be so silly & happy that i dont know when it's real anymore. its true, when you're always lying and faking it, you disappear. when i say "you" i mean who you are. i dont know who i am anymore. ugh, okay, so my charcoal gray razr was jacked at prom, but other than that, i really liked prom. myco finally told me "i love you" and i just stayed silent from my butterflies >_< but yeah, i had a good time. he's such a cutie patootie<33. blahblahblah; fuck this bullshit. sometimes i wonder, what is too much? a person can be too nice or too mean, what is too much? either they're nice or they're mean, why is there a certain extent? what if i am a nice person, but too nice? to the point where some take advantage of me, but what if i was just nice? then they wouldnt take advantage or me? i have so many questions, and so does everybody else, but they will never be answered. maybe it's best to keep our mouths shut.