reminder: come back.

step by step, i was getting there. slowly or not, i was still getting there. i was walking on the road to recovery, recovery from all this pain and bullshit and past incidents, but he made me fall all over again. sigh, so for the past couple of days since summer started, i've been at home watching movies that my dad rented on my own or watching sad movies on television on my own. i was watching "Bounce" and it angered me when the woman didn't give the guy a chance to explain himself or a chance to be somebody she needs. he lied to her for her own good and he was going to tell her on that day anyways, but she just didn't want to give him a chance. is it bad to view his side as a little good? i mean, i was so angry when the guy didn't get the chance to love and be loved, but he did lie. maybe i'm just weak and i give out chances and forgive people way too easily. i am a pushover remember? myco's angry and blew a fuse or something. he seriously tripped over a rock and fell over a cliff. i mean, he went berserk on me and because he's scared of what happened last summer. but omg, i've improved so much and he already takes me for granted by treating me like shit and expecting me to come back. why cant he just love me and treat me nicely hmm? maybe i just ask for too much. i'm so frustrated with myself and with him. how could i let myself get so far and become so consumed? i'm always fucking myself over. be right back, got bullshit to deal with. and i am back. i am overwhelmed and i hope one day i faint. thank you winnie for being there for me, i really needed that. day two & myco is still pushing me away. he kept threatening to dump me & it hurt. please dont take me for granted. dont take advantage of me. i'm a big weak pushover, but dont take advantage of that. i may fuck up and screw up, but its not always just my fault. you need to help us, not destroy us. sigh, take me away. i'm gonna say the same thing i always do: i'm weak. rawr. i am trying to be more confident in the things i do and be less nervous. i should be confident in what i do and who i am because if i wasnt, then i would be unsure of everything and i might as well not do it, but i need to grow up. like anthony says, i need to learn how to deal with things. its just hard because a lot has happened to me in a lifetime and when i think back, sometimes it's almost unbelievable. i've been physically abused by people i love, touched by random people on the street, chased with a knife in a car, and more. it's so sad & pathetic. i cry everyday and i need to suck it up. look at everything i need to do, ridiculous! i'm just a big baby who's gonna cry about everything, but i'm still dealing with it. throw anything you want at me and i'll take it. i'll deal with it even if i cry in the end. i am a damn good person, i just have bad actions sometimes. i dont hurt people intentionally and i try to be nice, but just because i am bitchy sometimes doesnt make me a bad person. i'm sensitive, but i can be tough. i'm whiny, but i am patient with people and their flaws. i can deal with things, just not how you want me to. i wanna lie on the sea and just drift away to a place where i can be by myself. that way, i cant hurt people, bother people, or affect people. if i stay away from the world, i cant hurt them and they cant hurt me. i'll be okay, i'll deal with it. maybe i shouldnt vent my problems out to people, i'll just bother them. i wanna put on a smile and a brave face so that i can be something i'm not. i wanna appear strong and cute and i wanna deceive people. i'll trick them and they'll never know how hurt i am. i'll try my absolute hardest to never cry a tear in front of people and i'll try never to frown because i can help somebody else instead of myself. who cares about me? i certainly dont. this is a reminder to be strong, but to come back and always look at who i am. i'll hide who i am with a different person, but i cannot forget and what makes me, me.