oh, it cuts me so deep.

baby, take me to kokomo. it's some fantasy island in the hit song "kokomo" by the beach boys. their songs are just lovely. lately, i havent been hurt often, just empty. sigh, i have a dentist appointment tomorrow. every time i go, there's some type of cavity filling =/ i hate those. i especially hate it when they numb your gums, oh god. it's just a pain in the ass, well mouth technically, and i cry </3. so my summer is gonna be similar to last years, i guess. well, not that similar. last summer, everything was drama, drama, drama. this summer, i am hoping for less drama and more happiness. my work schedule is consistent, but it calls for less time with my friends, but i guess it doesnt matter because i didnt hang out with them alot anyways. i dont really feel like doing anything for my birthday. they may be thinking "oh, maybe she just wants us to call her up & feel special" but fuck that. if i actually planned something for my birthday, i'd feel more special knowing people are calling me and wanting to come to my imaginary event. in actuality though, i am going to stay home for this weekend and the tuesday of my birthday. i want to spend it alone, with the one person who i wouldnt bother with my birthday: me. every year, my birthday is some sort of wreck and i'm just tired of it. i dont want my friends to plan something and have it all go wrong again and i disappoint and bother them somehow. no, forget it. my friends are not going to be involved in my birthday. whatever, its only the day i was born. how about celebrating my death? the day i die. it'll be the day to celebrate and say "nice" things about my numerous years in life.so, i've been putting up happy away messages lately because jeffrey said that he'd like to see a happy one one day and there they are. i am not really happy though. actually, when i make the so-called happy away messages, i have something horrible to put in place instead, but it's time to put up a happy front. it's affecting my emotions though. i confuse myself and wonder why i put those messages up. moving on, my dreams keep interfering with my life and my thoughts. it's really starting to bug me. i've been having dreams about jeffrey, ugh haha. i dont like him, but i used to. he's a cutie pie, but he found out a bad secret and now i am rethinking my already-made decision. david ton lectured me about myco on saturday and he was right about all the points he was making, but what do you want me to do? dump somebody who i am almost completely dependent on? who's there for me or helps me or just simply says hello to me everyday? i'd die without my boyfriend and definitely without his sweetness. sure, he has a bad side, but doesnt everyone? his bad side may be very strong at times, but i'm helpless, useless, and lost. maybe i do deserve better, maybe i dont. maybe better will find me and i wont have to search for it. i dont wanna look for somebody who's better than myco, but i want them to find me and show me that i'm what they've been looking for. myco shows me that, sometimes. derek told me that anybody could be a good boyfriend sometimes, but it takes work and effort to be a good one all the time. fuck, its hard. asdfghjk. i'm happy though, i think. i still miss alex zheng. oh, that boy. hahah jenn, get over it. i really do love myco, he's my baby boy. i'm a horrible girlfriend. shoot me honey. sometimes i believe that life in isolation is what i need and what's best for me, but if i was just a bystander who could feel see these feelings, i'd tell me that this aint right and i need to accept my friends' love. yet, i'm still stuck here with these feelings and i'd rather be a hypocrite than a pained person. besides, my friends dont have time to make sure i'm always okay. they have people who are paid to do that. i should go to one of those depression places and stay there for the rest of my life, ha. ugh, for some reason, my birthday has been on my mind. what am i gonna do? i'm only turning 17 though. hmm. i am working nights everyday till saturday. i think saturday night i am going to go to the movies and watch "the dark knight" by myself, oh goodness haha. then sunday, i have church then work so i'll be busy. monday, work. tuesday, day off, birthday. i think i am going to go eat dinner by myself at noah's sushi or noodle planet or somewhere that i can eat decent food. i'm going to wear my lovely yellow dress to symbolize my turning of age, but i am still going alone. i'll have my ipod and maybe something to keep me busy, that way, i dont look like a COMPLETE loser. omg, am i a loser? i hope not. it'll be a fun birthday. i wont have to bother anybody and i wont have to disappoint myself, yippee. i'm gonna look like a freak who's been stood up on a date if i wear my yellow dress lol but i saved it for my birthday, so i WILL wear it. for some reason, i dont feel like i've let everything out; i dont feel satisfied. oh, now i remember. i've taken up a horrible, horrible habit. what am i to do? it's outrageous. there's this big lump in my stomach thats weighing me down, making me feel like such a bad person. oh, fuck me. i'm done with it anyways. i got tired of it and it made me feel like shit, not physically, but mentally and all because of my my biggest flaw and weakness: my guilty conscience. i have to get rid of it one day, it's ruining my life, or maybe it makes me a good person or simply who i am. nobody really knows about this, and boy am i glad about that. if anyone were to find out, they'd judge and hate me. i am not ready for that. forget it, it's done with.