lock me up, but save me.

i havent written here in a little while. i dont know what to do. if i talk to alex, then myco will get mad at me. if i talk to myco, alex will get mad at me. i care about & love myco a whole lot more, but alex keeps asking me for help or i offer it and i dont wanna not help him. i guess i have a big heart sometimes? idk.myco is like a ticking time bomb; anything i do next will either make or break us. it's scary & every moment i am scared of whats gonna happen. life is going pretty well-ish right now, but my grades & my body aint that great. grades = fail & body = ugly. lmao, NOW life sucks. life is kinda lonely sometimes though. when i am at home and i listen to my music, i get this mellow feeling, but i wish i was always constantly happy. although, when my life is perfect & i'm always happy, i get bored of life and i cause drama without even knowing it. i'm dysfunctional and i need to fix my gears. now that myco is back in my life, i dont feel as empty anymore, but i always had joanna haha that sounded gay. sometimes i still feel like shutting out the world, not in anger anymore, but in sadness. i just wanna surrender my life to the world and let everybody take over while i sit there in confusion, lifeless. make me into a doll and throw me into a box. just lock me up and dont ever let me enjoy the sweet things that life has to offer me. its not like i can enjoy the sweet things right now. i want frozen yogurt from cefiore and i totally missed my chance today because i went to myco's house. i dont regret going to his house, but i really wanted to go get yogurt with joanna lol. i captured a cockroach today as big as my thumb and i named it thumbelina. since i tried to kill my old beetle, hercules, maybe my thumbelina will not be asexual and invincible and prone to death haha. i had to throw away hercules and just HOPE it died =/. i came home and saw thumbelina just on its back twitching. i hope it didnt die, it'd be sad if it did. it's kinda disgusting and gross, but its not like i talk to it or feed it or enjoy it. i just think it's kind of interesting. i just leave the bug there in the cup, i dont do anything with it. i guess i'm still a weird person haha how sad </3 i feel shitty & sick right now, but i'll get over it. i never really stay home when i am sick, except for that time i woke up throwing up and coughing out blood. my mom forced me and did a lot of things to make me stay home lol. myco is taking advantage of my weakness and taking me for granted. everyone thinks it was a bad idea talking to him again after what happened. honestly, i am scared to see what happens next, but he makes me happy. thats the only thing that counts, right? i dont know, i may be blinded by my own infatuation for him, but if i am blinded, how do i let go? how do i move on? even if i had the answers, it'd be hard for me to apply them. life is getting harder and getting attached is making things complicated. i get attached easily. myco has a lot of bad traits in him for a boyfriend, but as a person, he is a really good person. he has good traits as a boyfriend too and he makes me smile and blush, even if he his as lame as lame can be lol. what he did to me was unforgiveable though, but yet, here i am. i am still here. i forgave him, easy as that. as for him, he wont forgive me and i understand why, i just dont see why he cant try to forgive me. he just doesnt want to. we're both scared, but we're trying. sigh, i'd never want to change him, but i'd love it if he could just stop doing some things. he doesnt respect me. for example, if i say "i am going to joanna's house." he'll say "oh more guys? there's always guys. have fun being slutty." and its constantly like that. i hear something like that every fucking day from him and every fucking day i ask him to stop. he says yeah, he'll try but he doesnt. he held it back once or twice, but thats just simply not enough. i NEVER get on him about his shit. i dont know. he's an awfully sweet boy though. he's my sweet potato pie. sigh, i wish alex would contact me right now. i need to record him if he wants his stupid extra credit. i am trying to help him because he wants me to, but its like he doesnt mean it. he wants it so bad, but i guess just not bad enough. we've gotten closer and talked a lot more, but only in class. i saw him at airband and for a moment, he talked to jenny ho and i just wanted to intervene, but thats just what goes on in my own head. i talked to fucking guevara for him too about his T.A position and if he contacted me, he'd know he could still get five fucking credits. just slap the bitch. like a fairy tale, i wish i could have a happy ending, or even just a happy beginning with happy middle. i dont know whats wrong with me, i tear up or cry all the time now. i'll be sitting there watching television then burst into tears about nothing. i like to cry it out because i cant talk it out. i rarely talk about my own problems to anybody. yeah, i am quite reserved, but its not because i want to be, its because i have to be. i want to be there for everybody who needs help because it helps me feel like i have a purpose in life, but sometimes i wish i could just talk about myself and my own problems for one whole day with people actually caring and actually listening. that'd never happen though because the people i talk to, they have their own shit going on and i have to respect that. i'd rather help them with their problems then talk about my own. i can always figure out my own problems, but sometimes i just need to vent. i'll go with my gut and instincts, but i wouldnt mind having a second opinion sometimes. my problems are my own and i need to deal with that. like, what do i do about the way myco acts? people would just tell me "well, you cant do much because thats who he is." and yeah, they're right, but tell me that its okay and that i know what to do. give me a piece of advice. i hate my damn flaws. they're useless, but i guess my flaws are what makes my good points stand out and contrast. if they can see my flaws, they can see what arent my flaws and focus on that. i hate having a big heart though. i'm a pushover and everyones little "bitch"; what can i do though? nothing. haha i cant do anything about the problems in my life but run away and running will only result in running into new problems. lol, i wish i could sleep through life, but i'd wake up to a reality of bullshit. just bullshit. i'm glad i have the people who matter though. special thanks to my bestbestbestbestrolldawgfriend joanna hang and my baby love myco ly & to the rest that are there for me at LUNCH and at home. i'm grateful and always will be for the people who matter. if it werent for my rescue team, i'd still be stuck in my disaster.