live, laugh, love.

winnie & joanna say my vox entries are long, like an essay lol. i have a lot of feelings? but winnie said it's the same thing all the time; now i feel as if my feelings are played out. lately i've been feeling unhappy. everything is going kinda fine, but something is always fucking it up. i hope i get the waitress job. sigh, i feel unsatisfied with who i am. i think i am selfish and arrogant and needy. some say the opposite, but it's true. i am selfish. i always want it to be my way, but it never is. i'm a big pushover. i'm the understanding girl who always gets stepped on. my dad was being a big bitch and me and talking to people in church. god, he even threatened to kick my ass. go ahead, i'll just run. would you care daddy? ugh, but i probably wouldnt have the guts, not because i'm scared of life outside my home, but scared to hurt his feelings. i wouldnt want to hurt my dad, no matter what he did to me. nobody deserves to have painful feelings. i dont think myco cares anymore, he keeps saying all this bullshit. i've been feeling so goddamn distant from him, i feel distant from everybody. sure, nobody can really relate to anybody precisely, but i wish that somebody could understand me. i would never want them to feel what i feel though, that'd be just too much for one person to handle. i can barely even handle all of this pain, but i do it anyways. i dont want anybody to ever have to carry these burdens on my fragile and sensitive back. i even wish sometimes i could take somebody else's pain away from them and give it to me. i dont like it when people are hurt, it's the biggest agony i could ever feel or hear or see. i just have to tell myself that i can handle this. my feelings are so indescribable; i need to get out of this universe and find some words that fit my feelings lol. i dont think this will ever go away. sometimes i feel as if my feelings dont even compare to others. they probably feel a lot indistinguishable feelings also, maybe some hurt here and there. what i feel is probably similar to many, many people. so why bother voxing it all out? i'm just one person on this planet of 6 billion people; i'm worthless. i'm of no value. i'm replaceable. you know what, my vox is always about me. thats how i am selfish. why dont i talk about other peoples feelings huh? i care about other's feelings too, but i dont write about it. does it mean i dont care? i dont know. i dont hate life, i just am an emotional person, as david ton says. i want to be seen as happy and joyous and carefree. my feelings make me weak and vulnerable. do i really write about the same things all the time? if i do, whats the point in all of this? i might as well never say anything and just hope my feelings pass. god, feelings. i want them rid of. it turns me into a monster, gross. one day, i shall write very very happy thoughts in my vox. when is that going to happen? soon, i hope. i am happy sometimes, but not happy enough to write about it. i have a decent life, i should appreciate it. actually, i do appreciate it. it's better than some people, i should be content. maybe i need to be in somebody else's shoes and see how their life is. i've always wanted to do that, but it's impossible to actually go through what they're going through. i think this is ridiculous and pitiful. i should stop complaining and make the best of my life. sure, i'm optimistic when it comes to others, but pessimistic when it comes to myself. that needs to end, i have to make the best of this, i need to live life. i need to enjoy the pure innocent laughter of others and myself. i need to love like i've never loved before. i'm trying, i really am.