"Life is hard, so death must be easy."

recently i have been talking to david nguyen alot and he is nice company to have, very entertaining. he's so adorable and cute haha. he makes me laugh because he talks so smart & he's a very interesting young boy hehe. i read his journal, or parts of it, and it made me think about other things all over again; about memories, dreams, and wonders. it's depressing because reality is just so imperfect and i cherish my imagination, but some say that the imagination could kill you or just hurt you. i'm generally a happy person, on the outside, but dead on the inside. i allow myself to rot because i dont like burdening people with my own problems. brandon tells me that people have more confidence when they are typing online, and it could be true; maybe or maybe not; but confidence or not, i will never let my guard down. well, sometimes; i lied LOL. it's hard for people to open up because they want to present a strong image, but holding everything in just makes your image weaker because it is a known fact that people are imperfect and that problems burden everybody, strong or weak. i wish sometimes i could be as happy as i appear. i want to feel joyous and undescrible excitement, but then again, i'd get bored of it. its the sorrows and the pain that i receive that makes the happiness all worth it and special. brandon says, "the best thing you can do in a bad situation is to smile." but yet, i smile all day, everyday, and i still suffer from depression and etcetera etcetera. i had a therpaist appointment today but i cancelled it for a job interview. my feelings are getting more and more deep as i walk the narrow path of life and so far, i dont like what i see. but thats okay, i have to accept it and deal with it like every other person living life. its stupid sometimes to wonder about all this bullshit when i could just be doing things to make myself happy. why do i have to think about this? why does anybody? why do people have to dig deep and try to discover all these painful wonders about life? why cant they just be content with what they have? because thats the way it goes. i hate that. "thats the way it is." well what if i dont wanna accept that huh? then i fail life. yes, its possible to fail life. ugh, bitchshit. how do you fail life? by trying your hardest to be something you're not: perfect. the word "perfect" shouldnt even exist when it comes to people, because nobody, in the human history, was perfect and will never be perfect. so why try to achieve an image that doesnt exist? its absolutely ridiculous, yet, everybody still does it, as do i. the only way anybody is ever going to be perfect or be the best is by matching up to somebody else's standards and letting them tell you that you are perfect to them. i have so much shit to do before prom and i hate stress. it gives me pimples and i hate pimples. ugly ugly blemishes. i wish you could wish things in life. haha how ironic. if that was possible though, destruction and chaos would wreak the world. ugh. the only thing left to do is "live, laugh, love."