let's give it a try.

i just realized that my vox page is bright and colorful, but the information within it is dark. should i change my layout? it's contradicting itself haha. anyways, lately i've been feeling pretty okay. except for him. myco just haunts me and it makes me feel horrible. he cussed me out, threw my birthday gift on the driveway, and texted me 35 times saying "i was right about you, slut." lord oh lord, i'm being haunted. and quite frankly, i think it's my fault. i didnt wanna hurt you, but you hurt me too. what am i supposed to do? you'd never learn if i kept going back. we'd just hurt each other even more. sigh, my life is okay though, but i'm not quite satisfied. there's something missing and i think it's my best friend. i mean, i'm so used to having her around or talking to her all the time and now i dont have either. i try to make an effort to hang out with her, but there's always these complications. i am supposed to see her on tuesday, but who knows. she might cancel on me or i might get in a car accident or some stupid shit. lol god forbid i get into a car accident though. honestly, it's okay to be distant from all of my other friends, just not joanna. she's supposed to be my rolldawg and my best friend. now, my best friend is myself and the person i talk to the most is alan. how pathetic right? i feel like a piece of me is missing now that she's not there anymore. technically, she is there, just kinda not. i am getting all dramatic and it's so stupid, but its how i feel and i cant change that. why am i even letting this get to me? ugh. so like, i spent a day with ivonne and it was nice. i havent hung out with her in a while and it was relaxing to get out and just kick it with one of my girl friends. i miss all of them. i had a nice time hanging with winnie too, even though it was short. i just really miss all of them. i miss sheree, jany, ivonne, winnie, bao vy, and joanna. i sound gay, but i hate my summer without them. when i look back on my last high school summer, all i'm gonna remember is working and all the bad things that happened to me. i cant seem to remember any good things happening to me except for alan. it's quite horrendous. i hate this freaking summer. i know, stop complaining because i chose to work, but i need to work to help my family out. i have like thirty bucks in my wallet because i always give money to my mom. i just wish that i could spend one day, just one day, with my girl friends. fuck the world. and charlie borrowed fifty dollars from me and i was gonna use that fifty to pay joanna and jeffrey back. he better pay me back. he had the stupidest reason too, but i couldnt say no. i need somebody to talk to about all my problems. i dont know why i dont talk to alan; for some reason, i just talk about the stupid minor things with him. i need to get deep. i'm supposedly happy, but there's something digging inside of me, like always. i am going to a meteor shower with alan and his friends tomorrow. i was so hyped, but now i am just feel like it's gonna be a waste of my time. why? i dont fucking know. he met all of my sisters and my parents and mharth. alan is so charming. everyone loved him, but jenny had to say something stupid, "i liked myco better." wth is that? screw up my relationship why dont you. omg, i just realized that i kept my promise to myself for this summer. i said i was gonna isolate myself from my friends, and i did. now i feel horrible. okay, i learned from my mistake, now please rescue me. i didnt realized i'd miss them so much. well, i kinda did. i always miss people and now i feel like shit. i just had to somehow keep my own promise. stupid job. okay, so now i kinda drive. it's useless, i have nobody to go out with. and alan drives. this is typical of me. complaining about shit that i brought upon myself. i'm sorry, please forgive me. i feel as if i've been drained of all emotions or of some type of happiness. something is hovering above me waiting to suck up any happiness that comes upon me. all my smiles are quickly torn off my pretty face as my laughter is fading into the distance. i'm back into the phase of reading. every summer, i end up reading someway, somehow. reading is a sign of very, very depressing feelings within myself. i dont like my life, so i read about another's. it's similar to jdrama. not enough drama in my life, so i watch another's. i vow to be satisfied and utterly happy with my life one day. that day will come, even if it does end the next day. i just need one day. i need one day to gather up the broken pieces of my life, find my friends, and just seize the day. on that day, i'm going to smile nonstop until my jaw falls off. lol what a funny image. everywhere i turn, i see some type of danger. i'm lost in my own emotions. the danger is that it's trying to drown me until i do something about it. tough love.