i cant leave you because you have my past.

its all about love, trust, & respect; or so i hear it is. in my relationship, none of them exist except for love. can a relationship strive on nothing but love? i thought 'love' was supposed to come with trust and respect. if you really love them, you'd trust and respect them, right? so i say that i cant leave him because he has my past, but my past is my past, so i should leave it behind. except, everyday, i look back on the past because it was once the present. everyday passes by and becomes your past, so technically your future will become your past too. "worry about the future jenn" but it'll just be my past in the end. the present will also be a thing of the past. some say to forget about the past, but it made you into who you are. count how many times i said the word 'past'. see? it's a big part of my present life. forget it, should i just live with it? as long as he's happy i guess. all my stupid vox entries would be the perfect question papers for ms. burkhart lol. i just realized that. hmm, i cant just look away and pretend as if nothing happened. what if i act all dramatic again and say that i only want myco and nobody and nothing else? or will i be smarter this time and think about all the pain we have caused to each other? if we do break up, i want somebody to hold me down firmly and not let me cry and break my way through the hold and go running back to him. i'm not the bitch, and i wont continue to be. i was always the dominant one in all my other relationships, and now i'm on a leash. karma. but it makes more sense for the girl to hold the leash because the guy looks like a complete jackass holding the leash. seriously though, if we do break up, i pray to god that i have just one friend who yells at me, screams at me, slaps me, and knocks some sense into me; as long as they hold me back from being a dumb bitch. at least i have experience and i can learn from this when i am older. joanna says i put on a front, and so does everybody else. is that bad or good? my feelings are just too sensitive to be expressed to people. what if they think i'm dumb? or they think i'm just being silly? i cry because of this bullshit, what if they laugh at it? sigh. i was on the phone with alan yesterday night and it's funny because usually when i am on the phone with a guy i just kinda met for four hours, i tend to get feelings, but i have none for him. or do i? there's something there, and its making me feel all tingly. i'm somewhat emotionally dead and all i can think about is myco. my biggest worry and my biggest comfort. damn, this is gonna be a short entry because i have work soon. i gotta get ready. maybe i'll return to lengthen my entry. peace.