bullshit.

everythings blowing up in my face. i keep telling people, "dont trip, i'm fine" or "yeah of course i'm okay" or "everythings going great" but its not. i hate everything and everything irritates me. i am a ridiculous person and i get uneasy about ridiculous things, but hey thats me. joannas in canada. myco's going to college. winnie's starting school. bao vy uses me. sheree has kahana kai. anthony's a dumbbitch. jany & i dont talk. ivonne doesnt have time. charlie is caught up with himself. addie is a secret to myco. i've drifted away from everybody. this is the entry i am going to be harsh and mean about everything because i am leaving the internet world and leaving my social life. every single little problem i have will be spilled here and i wont be going to write any entries for a while after this one. there's so many i cant even think about it now, great, just great. i'm falling apart piece by piece and i dont have enough time or energy to put myself back together. i have no help to pick me up and keep me strong. once i start driving, i hope i am isolated from the world a bit more and more everytime, more than i already am. i dont want people to care about me; i'm sorry if you do. you'd have to deal with so much of my bullshit, i'm sorry. i'm giving up & i'm gonna live this out alone. i want my summer to be about me laying around watching tv everyday or doing little errands for myself; perfect. facebook & myspace is aggravating me.i hate having friends. they all piss me the fuck off because i am so goddamn possessive. i mean, the friends i have are my fucking friends so stop trying to take them. but i have no right to say who you can or can not be friends with, so by all means, do it. life doesnt work the way i want it to. and goddamn it, bao vy is pissing me the fuck off by being a big ass hypocrite and by using me all the time. stop fucking calling me for your own use and not actually wanting to hang out with me. stop doing rebellious shit that you'd criticize me for doing. fuck you dumbbitch. and myco is just so inconsiderate & insensitive sometimes. ughhh, i try to be so good to you and watch what i do and say JUST FOR YOU and this is how you repay me? by being a big bitch? but you have been good lately and you have been trying a bit more and i appreciate that. you know what cheers me up? my music. its the saddest music, but i get so uplifted and just drowned in emotions that are similar to mine. i am SO glad i'm gonna be working soon. it means that i can just focus on something else and not all the bullshit i have and i wont have to worry about my emotions. i let everything get the best of me (especially my emotions) and i tear myself up over stupid, stupid things. my flaws are stupid too. i am getting a phone soon but it's stupid because i wont have anybody to call or talk to, so whatever. i argue with my parents a lot more now and i get irritated a lot easier now. i dont really know why, but nothing makes me happy. just fuck everything. it all goes wrong and blows up in my fucking face and i dont need to be anymore depressed than i already fucking am. my fucking birthday is coming up and i dont wanna do jackshit. leave me the fuck alone and dont even say 'happy birthday' to me. it'd mean SHIT to me. i'm tired of being the happy and jolly jenn and trying to be optimistic and trying to let things go and being a goddamn pushover. well fuck you and fuck everything else because i'm gonna be a bitch about things. you must be thinking "god, shut the fuck up already" and yeah, i have a really decent/good life, but its how i feel, so you shut up and get over it. sighh, i am so emotional and dramatic. i feel like i'm dying and i feel like if i cry, i might hurt myself by crying. ugh, lame. i miss alex zheng. we never had a thing and we never really hung out, but there's just something about our friendship that makes me so sad when i see your face in a picture with jenny ho. i miss you and i want to talk to you. you always said the right things and the funniest things to make me actually think and to make me feel better. of course, i have many friends who do that, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and boy am i more fond of you. emotions are so difficult and troublesome. god, bullshit. i wanna say to the world "i'm sorry for being such a bother" and let them know that i never meant to be such a hassle. i'm sorry. i'm always sorry. damnnn. i really do love my friends and i put up such a front. i'm all talk. i love you guys, but i hate you guys too. i get so attached just to get hurt. i hope this is just a phase, but it seems that this has been going on since i can remember. i dont want this to be permanent. everyday i feel like i'm crawling to a certain goal, but i dont know what it is. it's so blurry. what's up ahead there? i'm just crawling and crawling just to get a centimeter closer to a fogged image representation of something bigger. i cant see what it is clearly, but i'm getting there. what is it? dont leave me guessing, tell me. everyday will just be another inch closer to that important goal that will all make it worthwhile, i hope. if only somebody would answer my call for help and rescue me out of this pitch black pit. it's scary and dark in here. i cant see anything and it's cold, very cold. i'm frightened to death and i've been calling for help all day. help me, please. i cant do it alone. time will just have to tell me when things will get better. hurry up, every second is like a thousand years to me.