a new break up story, again.

okay, quick & easy, he broke up with me. it was a long day, and it ended horribly. we were in a fight for two days (since wednesday, july 31) and we didnt talk to each other. then friday night finally came and he was training at my workplace so that he could get a future position there. shit, brb. i have work. okay, so i'm back and i'm here to continue this entry. well, he got mad and jealous alot over a bunch of different things and when he clocked out, he walked past me and uttered the words, "well, consider yourself single now." and i chased after him, but he wouldnt stop and he drove off. that's when i felt my tears coming up and i walked sadly back to the restaurant. i cried hysterically in the kitchen and i hate it when i cry; i always look so ugly. so i went to bed around 2 or 3 something and i was on the phone with alan. damn, i felt like shit. then myco called but hung up, so i called back. no answer. then i got about five or six text messages from him. this is the whole message altogether: "nah its cool go back to whatever guy, co-worker, black guy or anyone you were talking to. and you owe simon $22 and nhat $10.50. you are the stupidest bitch i know, thanks for getting me a job though thanks for getting me a job so i can see what you truly are. you're mom's right, myco would only leave you if you do some horrible shit. i hope you have fun at work cause thats all you're ever gonna do, have fun flirting with fob guys and being hit on by customers and flirting right back at them oh and flirting with those black guys too, no wonder you love being outside on your breaks you dumb ass broad. ugh, i'm so sick of you. you're always what you are, and things never change. bye." and keep in mind that i never replied once, but he kept on going. the messages may be confusing, but in conclusion, he dumped me. and the black guys were the bouncers who are like twice my age. damn, he has horrible grammar. i couldnt stop crying. those were the last words i got from him. it hasnt fully hit me (not yet at least) that he's left me and i wont have my teddy bear there for me anymore. old habits are hard to get rid of and i'm just so used to having him around. i'm trying to be different this time. instead of going back to him and apologizing and trying to get back with him, i am taking a stand. one thing is, i never knew taking a stand would hurt so much. when it does hit me that he's left, it's gonna hurt like a bitch and i'm gonna hate life so much. until then, i'll just suffer ever so slowly. to know that i hurt him, it hurts me more. although he's the one who dumped me, it was my fault. i caused all of this and nobody can tell me otherwise. he may have a short temper and get jealous easily, but i should know my limits and i should know what to do and what not to do. i should've considered his feelings and known what i was in for when i talked to guys. thing is, he took it way hard and ended it for the wrong reasons. dont dump me because i flirt, but do it because you cant stand me anymore or because you've lost all your love for me. just be patient. i've done so much for you already, why couldnt you have just accepted it? i'm a friendly person, and i guess flirty at times. its who i am. i also love to party and i love to hang out with my friends late at night, but i havent done shit because i know it'd hurt you. i mean, i could go out late after work, but i dont do it often because i want you to be happy. i dont get mad at you for doing any of the things you do, why couldnt you just have accepted me? i'm sorry that it had to turn out this way, but god knows we both tried and we always end up in the same place. i just wish that this time, it would've been different. baby, you mean so much to me and you bring joy into my life, but things happen and that joy begins to fade, and eventually, just disappear. i still miss you. i wish pain didnt hurt so much, but then again, it wouldnt be called pain. fuck. so i got my stupid driver's license and i got my insurance. legally, i can drive on my own, but i dont want to. i've lost all will to do anything that means something to me. today at work was the first time i screwed up. everyone screwed up at least once and i didnt. except for today. i was so lost and hurt that i cut myself (accidentally) twice and i hurt my elbow and broke a glass cup. what the hell is wrong with me? everyone said i looked tired and sad. they asked me where was my pretty smile. it just wasnt a regular day. for a couple of hours, i had extreme OCD and i was just hypnotized with organizing things. absolutely consumed. everytime something like this happens, i become an emotionless drama queen. thank goodness it's summer and nobody (my friends) is around to witness all of this. i'll deal with this alone because it's my problem and because this has happened one too many times for others to take it seriously. one, two, three, i see me, and me alone.