jenziLLaa.

everythings blowing up in my face. i keep telling people, "dont trip, i'm fine" or "yeah of course i'm okay" or "everythings going great" but its not. i hate everything and everything irritates me. i am a ridiculous person and i get uneasy about ridiculous things, but hey thats me. joannas in canada. myco's going to college. winnie's starting school. bao vy uses me. sheree has kahana kai. anthony's a dumbbitch. jany & i dont talk. ivonne doesnt have time. charlie is caught up with himself. addie is a secret to myco. i've drifted away from everybody. this is the entry i am going to be harsh and mean about everything because i am leaving the internet world and leaving my social life. every single little problem i have will be spilled here and i wont be going to write any entries for a while after this one. there's so many i cant even think about it now, great, just great. i'm falling apart piece by piece and i dont have enough time or energy to put myself back together. i have no help to pick me up and keep me strong. once i start driving, i hope i am isolated from the world a bit more and more everytime, more than i already am. i dont want people to care about me; i'm sorry if you do. you'd have to deal with so much of my bullshit, i'm sorry. i'm giving up & i'm gonna live this out alone. i want my summer to be about me laying around watching tv everyday or doing little errands for myself; perfect. facebook & myspace is aggravating me.i hate having friends. they all piss me the fuck off because i am so goddamn possessive. i mean, the friends i have are my fucking friends so stop trying to take them. but i have no right to say who you can or can not be friends with, so by all means, do it. life doesnt work the way i want it to. and goddamn it, bao vy is pissing me the fuck off by being a big ass hypocrite and by using me all the time. stop fucking calling me for your own use and not actually wanting to hang out with me. stop doing rebellious shit that you'd criticize me for doing. fuck you dumbbitch. and myco is just so inconsiderate & insensitive sometimes. ughhh, i try to be so good to you and watch what i do and say JUST FOR YOU and this is how you repay me? by being a big bitch? but you have been good lately and you have been trying a bit more and i appreciate that. you know what cheers me up? my music. its the saddest music, but i get so uplifted and just drowned in emotions that are similar to mine. i am SO glad i'm gonna be working soon. it means that i can just focus on something else and not all the bullshit i have and i wont have to worry about my emotions. i let everything get the best of me (especially my emotions) and i tear myself up over stupid, stupid things. my flaws are stupid too. i am getting a phone soon but it's stupid because i wont have anybody to call or talk to, so whatever. i argue with my parents a lot more now and i get irritated a lot easier now. i dont really know why, but nothing makes me happy. just fuck everything. it all goes wrong and blows up in my fucking face and i dont need to be anymore depressed than i already fucking am. my fucking birthday is coming up and i dont wanna do jackshit. leave me the fuck alone and dont even say 'happy birthday' to me. it'd mean SHIT to me. i'm tired of being the happy and jolly jenn and trying to be optimistic and trying to let things go and being a goddamn pushover. well fuck you and fuck everything else because i'm gonna be a bitch about things. you must be thinking "god, shut the fuck up already" and yeah, i have a really decent/good life, but its how i feel, so you shut up and get over it. sighh, i am so emotional and dramatic. i feel like i'm dying and i feel like if i cry, i might hurt myself by crying. ugh, lame. i miss alex zheng. we never had a thing and we never really hung out, but there's just something about our friendship that makes me so sad when i see your face in a picture with jenny ho. i miss you and i want to talk to you. you always said the right things and the funniest things to make me actually think and to make me feel better. of course, i have many friends who do that, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and boy am i more fond of you. emotions are so difficult and troublesome. god, bullshit. i wanna say to the world "i'm sorry for being such a bother" and let them know that i never meant to be such a hassle. i'm sorry. i'm always sorry. damnnn. i really do love my friends and i put up such a front. i'm all talk. i love you guys, but i hate you guys too. i get so attached just to get hurt. i hope this is just a phase, but it seems that this has been going on since i can remember. i dont want this to be permanent. everyday i feel like i'm crawling to a certain goal, but i dont know what it is. it's so blurry. what's up ahead there? i'm just crawling and crawling just to get a centimeter closer to a fogged image representation of something bigger. i cant see what it is clearly, but i'm getting there. what is it? dont leave me guessing, tell me. everyday will just be another inch closer to that important goal that will all make it worthwhile, i hope. if only somebody would answer my call for help and rescue me out of this pitch black pit. it's scary and dark in here. i cant see anything and it's cold, very cold. i'm frightened to death and i've been calling for help all day. help me, please. i cant do it alone. time will just have to tell me when things will get better. hurry up, every second is like a thousand years to me.

honestly, i dont care much for summer. its okay if it turns out to be a bad summer, it's still just days gone by. summer is just the time to relax and you have more time to do more things, but if it doesnt turn out the way i want it to, thats okay. i wanna be sucked up and be so busy that i dont have to deal with things. i wanna run away haha. thank god i am working, i can block out people so that i can't affect them. i dont wanna hurt people, i really dont. i really dont wanna bother people too and this way, they cant hurt me. people arent all that bad, some actually impact my life in the greatest ways possible, but i just bother them. so here i will stay, isolated from everybody. if i could flip the world upside down, i'd do it. i want people to see how life is upside down. they would view everything in a different way and maybe they'd make better choices. why arent people happy? i think they make themselves sad; just because things dont go the way you want them to doesnt mean everything is horrible. yeah, sometimes i am angry at life, but i dont ever really hate it, otherwise i wouldnt be here now would i? something is keeping me alive and i'm living my life. even when things go right, people find a way to turn it around and find every possible flaw there is; people make themselves unhappy. when something bad happens, go ahead and mourn but try to see things in a happy way. i am being the biggest hypocrite, but this is something i really believe in.

step by step, i was getting there. slowly or not, i was still getting there. i was walking on the road to recovery, recovery from all this pain and bullshit and past incidents, but he made me fall all over again. sigh, so for the past couple of days since summer started, i've been at home watching movies that my dad rented on my own or watching sad movies on television on my own. i was watching "Bounce" and it angered me when the woman didn't give the guy a chance to explain himself or a chance to be somebody she needs. he lied to her for her own good and he was going to tell her on that day anyways, but she just didn't want to give him a chance. is it bad to view his side as a little good? i mean, i was so angry when the guy didn't get the chance to love and be loved, but he did lie. maybe i'm just weak and i give out chances and forgive people way too easily. i am a pushover remember? myco's angry and blew a fuse or something. he seriously tripped over a rock and fell over a cliff. i mean, he went berserk on me and because he's scared of what happened last summer. but omg, i've improved so much and he already takes me for granted by treating me like shit and expecting me to come back. why cant he just love me and treat me nicely hmm? maybe i just ask for too much. i'm so frustrated with myself and with him. how could i let myself get so far and become so consumed? i'm always fucking myself over. be right back, got bullshit to deal with. and i am back. i am overwhelmed and i hope one day i faint. thank you winnie for being there for me, i really needed that. day two & myco is still pushing me away. he kept threatening to dump me & it hurt. please dont take me for granted. dont take advantage of me. i'm a big weak pushover, but dont take advantage of that. i may fuck up and screw up, but its not always just my fault. you need to help us, not destroy us. sigh, take me away. i'm gonna say the same thing i always do: i'm weak. rawr. i am trying to be more confident in the things i do and be less nervous. i should be confident in what i do and who i am because if i wasnt, then i would be unsure of everything and i might as well not do it, but i need to grow up. like anthony says, i need to learn how to deal with things. its just hard because a lot has happened to me in a lifetime and when i think back, sometimes it's almost unbelievable. i've been physically abused by people i love, touched by random people on the street, chased with a knife in a car, and more. it's so sad & pathetic. i cry everyday and i need to suck it up. look at everything i need to do, ridiculous! i'm just a big baby who's gonna cry about everything, but i'm still dealing with it. throw anything you want at me and i'll take it. i'll deal with it even if i cry in the end. i am a damn good person, i just have bad actions sometimes. i dont hurt people intentionally and i try to be nice, but just because i am bitchy sometimes doesnt make me a bad person. i'm sensitive, but i can be tough. i'm whiny, but i am patient with people and their flaws. i can deal with things, just not how you want me to. i wanna lie on the sea and just drift away to a place where i can be by myself. that way, i cant hurt people, bother people, or affect people. if i stay away from the world, i cant hurt them and they cant hurt me. i'll be okay, i'll deal with it. maybe i shouldnt vent my problems out to people, i'll just bother them. i wanna put on a smile and a brave face so that i can be something i'm not. i wanna appear strong and cute and i wanna deceive people. i'll trick them and they'll never know how hurt i am. i'll try my absolute hardest to never cry a tear in front of people and i'll try never to frown because i can help somebody else instead of myself. who cares about me? i certainly dont. this is a reminder to be strong, but to come back and always look at who i am. i'll hide who i am with a different person, but i cannot forget and what makes me, me.

j. HANG was here. hi jenn.
LOL i got so scared when i saw my blog cause i was like wtf when did i write this? YOU FREAK!

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe in lies so you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

                                                                                                      - Marilyn Monroe

i got my job & i got my driving lessons & i finally took my SATs, happy? no.

so there's this story of a girl.

she was walking on a clear path straight home, it was autumn and the sky was blue. the leaves were orange and yellow and green and red, all crunchy. she skipped and whistled because it was a good day, everything was going right and she pushed all troubles aside. you see, she had many problems, maybe not important, but problems nonetheless. she lived in a house full of aggravating and distant family members, always nagging her and expecting her to be the responsible one - but they always contradict themselves - and to be good; she had friends, but each one was different, maybe too different to the point where she didn't know who'd stay and who'd leave; she had decent grades with the potential to go to college and make something of herself, but all that work for what?; she had one thing that made her feel different about everything: her emptiness. everyday, there was some sort of void, but not to get off topic, it was a good day for her. there was this boyfriend of hers that made her feel happy, but sad at the same time, and she thought of him as someone she could depend on to call him her love. there was also this best friend who was always around and there for her for years and she relied on her as well. this was her life, this was what she lived. continuing from her good day, she had just spent the entire afternoon with her boyfriend walking on the bridge and having a delicious picnic on the park. it was just wonderful and she couldn't be happier, but although happy, that void still existed. after skipping for about ten minutes, she stopped and stood still on the cement path. tears burst out of her eyes and there was a nonstop continuity of gasping for air and hyperventilating. she looked up at the sky and realized that she had no reason to cry and hid her tears from the world, wiped them away and sucked it up. after all, that's what makes her seem less vulnerable. on her walk home, she stayed silent and ran into a friend. that friend, her good friend whom she never really talked to, had a dark glow around him. he was a good and close friend to her, but she never really knew how he felt. for about five minutes, they talked about life, wonders, and truths. she couldn't help but to walk away with a butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. a blush came upon her face and she smiled lightly as she watched him walk the opposite direction. this was absurd, she had a boyfriend. oh well, she thought to herself and kept on going. wait, she ran after him. in her hand she was holding a phone accessory (she had a matching one) and asked him to keep it so that he'd never forget her and they'll always be good friends. confused and lost, he accepted it humbly and nodded. awkward, what did she just do? later down the path, she found her best friend, that one person she relied on. they exchanged conversation and before separating into opposite directions, she handed her best friend a stuffed dog. this was to symbolize that they'd be roll dogs for life, no matter what. her best friend, also confused and lost, accepted the emblem and smiled a smirk as they separated. there was just fifteen minutes left till she reached her destination until her boyfriend walked by. he had walked back to the park to see if she was okay walking home alone and she was just fine. like the rest, she handed him an item too. this item was a ring to commemorate their young love and he accepted it, although he felt bewildered. she gave him a sweet and light kiss on the lips and hugged him tight. she told him to go, go back and leave her to walk in her path. he felt uneasy, but left anyways. finally, she was standing in front of her house. she looked around and laughed at the world, just chuckling to herself. step by step, she walked a little bit past her house and around the back. there was a small and silent fort and she sat in it. she took out her notepad and began writing notes to her good friend, her best friend, and her boyfriend. she wrote the same thing on each note and wrote each note slowly.

"Time went on and our friendship has grown. There was never a day that I felt as if I had no friends who cared. I'd think it, but deep down, I knew somebody cared. Although not everybody in my life made a big difference to me, every person is special, but it was you who made a big impact on my life. I may be full of painful feelings that create the empty feeling inside me, but the ounce of happiness is the happiness you give me. Thank you. I love you."

she folded up the three notes and laid each one out and made a straight row. as she smiled, she drew a heart and a smiley face on the corner of the notes, hoping that they'd know it symbolized her love for them: that although the heart and smiley face was close to falling off the edge, it still exists just because of them. she then slipped the notes in her mailbox all together in one envelope with no sending or return address, just a blank envelope. out of her pocket, she pulled out a gun and uttered the words 'goodbye void and farewell loves'. laid, dead, hushed, gone forever.

winnie & joanna say my vox entries are long, like an essay lol. i have a lot of feelings? but winnie said it's the same thing all the time; now i feel as if my feelings are played out. lately i've been feeling unhappy. everything is going kinda fine, but something is always fucking it up. i hope i get the waitress job. sigh, i feel unsatisfied with who i am. i think i am selfish and arrogant and needy. some say the opposite, but it's true. i am selfish. i always want it to be my way, but it never is. i'm a big pushover. i'm the understanding girl who always gets stepped on. my dad was being a big bitch and me and talking to people in church. god, he even threatened to kick my ass. go ahead, i'll just run. would you care daddy? ugh, but i probably wouldnt have the guts, not because i'm scared of life outside my home, but scared to hurt his feelings. i wouldnt want to hurt my dad, no matter what he did to me. nobody deserves to have painful feelings. i dont think myco cares anymore, he keeps saying all this bullshit. i've been feeling so goddamn distant from him, i feel distant from everybody. sure, nobody can really relate to anybody precisely, but i wish that somebody could understand me. i would never want them to feel what i feel though, that'd be just too much for one person to handle. i can barely even handle all of this pain, but i do it anyways. i dont want anybody to ever have to carry these burdens on my fragile and sensitive back. i even wish sometimes i could take somebody else's pain away from them and give it to me. i dont like it when people are hurt, it's the biggest agony i could ever feel or hear or see. i just have to tell myself that i can handle this. my feelings are so indescribable; i need to get out of this universe and find some words that fit my feelings lol. i dont think this will ever go away. sometimes i feel as if my feelings dont even compare to others. they probably feel a lot indistinguishable feelings also, maybe some hurt here and there. what i feel is probably similar to many, many people. so why bother voxing it all out? i'm just one person on this planet of 6 billion people; i'm worthless. i'm of no value. i'm replaceable. you know what, my vox is always about me. thats how i am selfish. why dont i talk about other peoples feelings huh? i care about other's feelings too, but i dont write about it. does it mean i dont care? i dont know. i dont hate life, i just am an emotional person, as david ton says. i want to be seen as happy and joyous and carefree. my feelings make me weak and vulnerable. do i really write about the same things all the time? if i do, whats the point in all of this? i might as well never say anything and just hope my feelings pass. god, feelings. i want them rid of. it turns me into a monster, gross. one day, i shall write very very happy thoughts in my vox. when is that going to happen? soon, i hope. i am happy sometimes, but not happy enough to write about it. i have a decent life, i should appreciate it. actually, i do appreciate it. it's better than some people, i should be content. maybe i need to be in somebody else's shoes and see how their life is. i've always wanted to do that, but it's impossible to actually go through what they're going through. i think this is ridiculous and pitiful. i should stop complaining and make the best of my life. sure, i'm optimistic when it comes to others, but pessimistic when it comes to myself. that needs to end, i have to make the best of this, i need to live life. i need to enjoy the pure innocent laughter of others and myself. i need to love like i've never loved before. i'm trying, i really am.

sigh, i have such a bigass headache. i feel like crying, but i cant do that. my ap seminar novel group is over at my house doing their own thing. we have our presentation on friday with nothing in mind. myco was just on a roll today with getting mad at me. it's so ridiculous. i get so frustrated to the point where i literally feel like my head is about to explode, and i will once again repeat "literally" for emphasis. i hope i dont pull any muscle in my brain and kill myself, or do i? that would be a satisfying thought. to die is scary, but i guess it depends what you're dying for to regain honor. i'm just an average teenager sitting in the middle of more average teenagers. everybody may be different, but they all consist of similar flaws or similar qualities. what makes me different? the hairs on my head? my fingerprints? those are just physical qualities. what is something that is so unique that makes me different from everybody else? forget it, i might as well conform; i'm close enough as it is. i bring myself down. i look on the bright side when i talk to people, but i make myself feel bad when i dont have to. its unnecessary and yet i do it anyways. the way of life for me? ugh. even in my own ap group i feel like an outsider. i feel outcasted from everything i do; is it becuase i bring work upon myself and keep myself busy? why do i wonder these things? fuck it. i need to learn to accept things the way they are. well, i cant change my destiny, but it possible to alter it. i can do things or change things to affect the way my life turns out, even if i cannot assure how it's going to turn out or even know for sure. oh boy, i am tired. i talk like an average person when i am on my vox, but in reality, i'm a dumbass. it's funny how people are more confident online, but it's not as if i am talking to anybody face to face. i always prefer in-person contact, and i am not even talking to anybody right now; it's just a blog. ridiculous, i feel like a fool. this was short.

thats the one thing i want to tell everybody, for them to shut up. i know, i screwed up. i always do. i am such a failure; it's disgusting, repulsive even. all i hear from my family is put downs and more put downs, even from my younger siblings and that is pathetic and pitiful. i was going through my little sister's phone (jenny) to text my older sister, but she never replied back. i had stumbled upon jackie's messages and jennys messages to each other because i was deleting the ones i was sending to myco. what i discovered was that they were talking about how stupid i was and how jenny is more responsible than i am; horrible. i'm the older sister, so it's just rueful that she surpasses me in responsibility. i am responsible. how would my older sister know jackshit? she left us. is that responsible? dont think so. they dont know that i may not be as responsible as they think i am, but i take responsibility for all my mistakes. every time my sisters need something, they come running to me. well dont come running to me if you dont respect me, bitches. i am self-aware of my flaws and that helps me to improve myself. its a step up from not being aware. at least i'm not in denial of my flaws which is not even helping; actually, its taking two steps back! i quit; i quit everything. maybe if i wasnt a failure, i'd be better off. i dont wanna be happy anymore, but when i dont laugh or act silly online, people keep asking me if i am okay. i dont want them to see my weak side. if i was a strong person, i wouldnt mind them seeing my weak side; but i am a weak person, so showing my weak side would only enhance my vulnerability. i think thats why i put up a strong cover; i want to show people that i can be strong, when in actuality, i am not. people say they feel joyous & positive when they talk to me, why dont i feel that way? i wanna be positive too. i'm always the one acting and pretending to be so silly & happy that i dont know when it's real anymore. its true, when you're always lying and faking it, you disappear. when i say "you" i mean who you are. i dont know who i am anymore. ugh, okay, so my charcoal gray razr was jacked at prom, but other than that, i really liked prom. myco finally told me "i love you" and i just stayed silent from my butterflies >_< but yeah, i had a good time. he's such a cutie patootie<33. blahblahblah; fuck this bullshit. sometimes i wonder, what is too much? a person can be too nice or too mean, what is too much? either they're nice or they're mean, why is there a certain extent? what if i am a nice person, but too nice? to the point where some take advantage of me, but what if i was just nice? then they wouldnt take advantage or me? i have so many questions, and so does everybody else, but they will never be answered. maybe it's best to keep our mouths shut.

ugh, i hate letting my guard down. i hate acting fake. why dont you just suck my fucking dick huh? i have a lot of anger and resentment inside of me, but why should people know that? its okay, i'll just tell myself its fine. everything will be okay. sighh, i just need to breathe and let all the bad energy out; scratch that. i'm gonna stay my emo self. i have all these vulnerable moments and i am such a sensitive person, but people have no idea, no idea at all. i'm suffering, cant you see? everyone has a different view of me, everyone sees me in a different way. i want to be just one person, not ten. i let people take advantage of me and push me around because i am a big pushover. well fuck the world. i dont give a shit anymore. who fucking cares? go ahead, take me for granted because all i am is a doll that gets passed around. i have so much to offer, but nobody appreciates it. is this what my life is purposed for? to please others, but not myself? i think so. thats how things have been ever since i can even remember. it's quite sad and pathetic, i feel bad for myself. let me just hide myself and see how people react. psh, they wouldnt give a rats ass, but they'd take advantage of me when i do show myself. if only i could drown myself and cry underwater. yeah, it sounds kinda stupid, but if i could drown myself and cry underwater, nobody could tell the difference. i'd be underwater anyways haha. please, just sit by my side and never leave me. i'm possessive and i dont like sharing my friends. they're my friends, not yours. they care about me, not you. fuck. i should stop being so selfish, even though some say i am selfless. in a way, i am quite selfless because i try not to affect others with my feelings. david nguyen says that i am sad and he feels bad for me. should i take that into consideration? many say the exact same, but its how i feel. how can i change that to benefit me? who knows. i'm trapped. caged. imprisoned. i'm in some type of repeating cycle of horror and pain and tears. i'm so used to it that i cant smile a real smile anymore. sure, some moments i am laughing and smiling the day away because some things are just comical, but as soon as that's over, i'm back to holding back my tears and dreaming nightmares. someone, please, stay here with me for a while and live in denial of all reality. we will dance the night away and stare at the stars and laugh in unstoppable joy. whoo, i'm just so lame haha. sometimes i feel as stupid as others make me out to be. i'm stupid and i am gullible and i fall for things easily. i get my hopes up, then crushed, then up again, and crushed for good. i'm prone to disappointment. it comes along and affects me like candy to a baby. ugh, absurd. i get so happy with something and so caught up that i dont think about what's gonna happen afterwards or what they're really thinking and i'm stuck again; alone in the dark, crying the tears that burn me. goddamnit.